Hi. I obviously don't know you personally, and I'm not a mother. But I can relate to feeling like my friends and family deserve better. I also just want to say, without it sounding like a guilt trip because that is absolutely not my intention, that my mom is the most important person to me. What I mean is, the love you described feeling for your children is real and it is reciprocated even if it isn't outwardly obvious. I think it's really cool that you teach an art class and are involved in girl scouts, that's awesome. And even though it doesn't seem like it now, it is possible to come out of what you are feeling. If you haven't already I would really encourage you to call someone that you consider a close friend and let them know you are having a hard time, or you can even PM me. I promise you one thing, the people who love you would rather listen and try to help than receive news of your passing. From what little I can gather about you I just feel that you are a very warm person, and I dunno if that even makes any sense. Just please know that feeling this way doesn't make you a bad person or a failure. When I was at my lowest point my family said that they would do anything to help me get better and not lose me, and I resented them at first because I was ashamed of myself. But I gotta say, it's okay to not be okay and it's okay to ask for help and it's okay to let people love you. I know you feel diminished, you probably feel like you are wrung completely dry. But there is always a small glimmer of light, I promise it is there.