I’m too toxic to live

My therapy has been awesome and I finally feel clean and comfortable in my own body, I’ve matured a lot (this post was written emotionally so it may not seem like it). I have a trust fund, and after I’m gonna be leaving both of them everything of mine and the money. I love my family and my girlfriend more than anything in this world, and now that I’ve been doing therapy it’s like I don’t even recognize the ghoul that haunted them for so many years. I love them, but I also hate what I’ve done and that it went this far. My mom is undiagnosed ADHD, my grandfather left with a .22 too, and my uncle is high functioning autistic. I should’ve seen it coming. And let’s say I do get her back, what then? Should I ever have kids with this diagnosis? If I told her about this, would she take me back or see me as even more disgusting and pathetic? Her mom is bipolar and abusive so what if she compares me?

My gf and I were eachother’s first and only relationship and also we lost our virginity to eachother. What she doesn’t know is I’ve been molested twice as a boy. I don’t want to watch my mom grow old and die only for me to end up following her. The only thing rn that brings me happiness is the thought of eternal slumber. The only thing stopping me is that I still have stuff to do here. Btw My heart hurts the most for my girlfriend, but since I’m giving her distance, I can’t know how she feels which is why I’m talking mostly about me.

TL;DR I don’t know what to do with this diagnosis, I’ve lost the love of my life, I feel like I wanna die

/r/BPD Thread