You have my sympathies - I'm just as bad as your wife at describing what I want - what I want to want keeps getting in the way.
I feel like I shouldn't like a dirty sense of humor, but combined with a good intelligence and some empathy, it keeps getting me every single time...
It's a conflict, that took me some time and trust to overcome.
But the other reason I can't relate to what you're describing, besides intellectually...I guess... is because I have zero idea what most women are claiming to want. I avoid normal people, whenever possible.
My first exposure to what women want was them practicing on me, while I provided a cool demonic visuals and audio...and a warm body, completely scared stiff.
After enough rejection when all that nothing happened despite their best efforts, I got my hands on books written by women, for women, and it all made sense: a lot of submissive women are attracted to power - the genuine kind... and the guidance to bring out potential - their own, or their partner's. Sometimes that means pushing their soft limits, and acting as a tour guide to all they can experience.
Someone faking it all just to get laid has no idea where all of this is going, which is why it's irresponsible and selfish.
I'm not sure how to describe the specifics of any of this in analytical terms...but you'll understand what I mean, and apply good faith, I hope?
Dominant women, meanwhile have a plan, or at least a series of strong preferences, and due to social programming, they're surrounded by a lot of eager men who get in the way, rather than assist.
Most of these women are just ambitious, and eager to put their talents to the best possible use.
But others are predators with enough discipline to direct those instincts constructively - they're looking for someone who wants to be hurt, but not so much that it's suffocating, and they're the ones taking orders.
Someone who suffers from too many inhibitions works well with that dynamic...they've been my liberators, while I...
Anyways...
The point is, these are just a few general examples, of the many things different women want (the ones I have the most personal experience with - I have Dommed before), and the manosphere focuses on just a few of them. And then floods the market, often while failing to understand why those things are wanted.
It's a good start for many of them, compared to what they'd been doing previously, but what's the shelf life?
Meanwhile, I did my research, found the niche I fit into, and worked to my strengths. My SMV is terrifyingly low outside of the kink community, but inside it, I belong.
Does any of this make sense, about where I'm coming from?