Your wife's response sounded like anxiety to me (before I read that she has anxiety). I don't know how to explain it, but I will try. When I get anxiety like that, it loops in on itself. It just keeps spinning until the adrenalin is so high that I lash out or lose control. It is scary and the part of my mind that is rational knows it is wrong but can't stop it. I either need time or an outside influence to help calm the adrenalin rush. An actual chemical response is happening and you can't just stop it at that point. It is not on purpose , it just gets triggered and happens. It is a horrible out of control feeling. Personally, I go into fight or flight to an extreme and the decisions I make or words I say are irrational and totally out of character and not appropriate for the situation. It is almost like a dissociative state.

This does not make it okay. I have been on medication long term and it didn't help, just kind of made me void of other emotions. What helped me was a more mindful approach. I am able to recognize that my anxiety response is not my fault, it is chemical. I am not in full control of it. That alleviated years of guilt and depression from thinking I am some kind of monster. Once I got past my fear of my anxiety, I was able to get more in tune with it and asses where I am when situations start to trigger it. I can say to my husband that I am feeling anxious and step away to calm down. If I am alone, I give myself a break to return and rethink the situation and figure out a normal response instead of cycling to our of control.

Maybe you can talk to her and instead of being upset with her, try to understand that this is difficult. If she is like me, the anxiety is controlling her and her response at the time is not really hers. Come up with a plan for when it happens, so she can cool down totally away from the situation that triggered it. Encourage her to go to therapy, go with her if need be.