I was diagnosed with DID three days ago, and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. In a lot of ways, I feel like this diagnosis is inaccurate. I definitely experience some of the symptoms, but it doesn't seem quite right. I've been struggling with dissociation and depersonalization for some time - years, probably. I've also been seeing my current therapist for over 3 years. She specializes in eating disorders, which is why I originally started seeing her, but many of her patients also have DID. We've done a lot of work regarding my dissociation over the past year and a half, and she told me during my last session that she has suspected I have DID for at least a year. I've struggled with a few mental illnesses throughout my life, and I think I may be borderline, although I've yet to pursue a diagnosis.

When I was a kid, I spent most of my time living out a second life within an alternate world I had created for myself. I was terribly lonely as a child, and was very afraid, and I believe this world helped distract me. I have heard this described as maladaptive daydreaming, although I don't think that is a medical term. At some point, I started referring to myself as "Rebecca" within the context of this fantasy world (Rebecca is not my name). I didn't notice at first, and it was not until I actually introduced myself as Rebecca to someone in real life that I realized how much this fantasy had consumed me. I felt a lot of shame over it and immediately tried to force myself to stop. It didn't work. My fantasies are not as complex any more, but even now, as an adult I basically have what I would call imaginary friends that I talk to when I'm alone. If I am not talking to them, or at least to myself, I become incredibly anxious and paranoid. I will come back to this.

As I said, I do dissociate frequently. I have lost time on more than one occasion, but never for more than just a few hours. I oftentimes feel like I don't exist, like the world around me isn't real, or that I am somehow sub-human. Almost like I am a shell of a person, or a mirror, and I just reflect other people back at themselves. Sometimes, I feel like my personality mimics those around me, sometimes I feel completely void of any sort of identity. Sometimes, this hollow feeling is unsettling. Other times, it doesn't phase me at all, I just find it curious.

One aspect of myself that I do feel consistently aware of, is the fact that I am a highly sensitive person. My emotions often feel out of control. I cry over everything. I feel like I experience emotions more intensely than the average person. That said, I feel as though I have two primary emotional states: experiencing emotion with such intensity, it feel as though I am suffocating, or feeling nothing at all. Completely numb and blank. There is very little grey area.

I have experienced a few paranoid episodes throughout my life, all of which were paralyzingly, and what I believe to be a result of extreme stress and sudden life changes. I am a pretty paranoid person in general, but these episodes were tortuous. They all lasted about a month or so. I experienced some hallucinations (mostly very mild visual and tactile hallucinations), delusional, paranoid thought patterns, and a crippling sense of panic that made it difficult to do anything. When I am doing "well," or am not having one of these episodes, I still feel a certain amount of paranoia throughout my day to day life. I constantly feel like I am being watched, especially when I am alone. It feels like there is some sort of demonic presence watching me, waiting to attack me or take control of my body. It interferes with my productivity because I am constantly looking over my shoulder, constantly keeping my back to the wall. It's agonizing at times. I never feel alone.

My therapist believes that these paranoid episodes may be the result of me "switching," (I apologize if that is not the correct term, I'm still learning the vocabulary). She also says she's witnessed two other personalities come out during our sessions, right after I start showing signs of dissociation (eyelids fluttering, body rocking, slight muscle spasms). One of these personalities is more childlike in nature, it's highly sensitive, cries easily, has a higher pitched voice, and sometimes has a difficult time following certain concepts. The other is a little more aggressive, holds itself in a more assertive way, is generally more argumentative, and has a protective attitude. She believes it is this "personality" that is in denial.

My therapist also keeps asking me about "voices." I don't hear voices. At least, not in a literal sense. Sometimes I do get unusual inclinations or strong urges to do/say something that is uncharacteristic of me. It does feel like these urges are being - maybe "suggested" - from an external source, but it's not an audible voice. It's more like I get a really bizarre thought and then I'm like "woah, where the hell did that come from?"

So excuse me for sounding blunt, but I feel like this is all bullshit. Not DID in general, but I feel like she's misdiagnosed me. I feel like one cohesive person, just a person lacking an identity. I don't see my extremely intense emotions as switches, or another personality coming forward - rather, I think I just have a difficult time regulating my emotions. And the only voices that I hear seem to be a part of my own internal monologue, but maybe manifest from a particularly disturbed part of my subconscious. I guess I am curious as to whether or not my experiences sound similar to any of yours... Were any of you folks in denial upon receiving your diagnosis? At what point did you start to believe it?

There is one small part of me that believes this may be my reality, but it stems from a feeling I have only experienced once or twice. I can recall a few particularly stressful periods in my life in which I felt like something in my brain "snapped," for a lack of a better term. After this break occurred, I did kind of feel like like I was floating between two entirely different states of existence. Like I was split between two sides of myself, and was unsure of how to regain control. These moments were terrifying, but over the course of a day or so, I began to feel like myself again.

If you've made it this far, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read my wall of text. If you have the energy and wouldn't mind shedding whatever light you can on this, I'd be really grateful for any guidance. I do have a few questions; I'm hoping your answers may help me get a better idea of what's going on.

At what point were you made aware of the other personalities? Did they reveal themselves to you on their own or did you have to look for them? Did they name themselves? Do the other personalities you encounter feel like an extension of yourself, or are they entirely different people? Is there a core personality? Are the other identities still "you?"

Again, I apologize if this has been hard to follow, and I am sorry if this has been problematic or offensive in anyway. Like I said, I was just diagnosed, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by a lot of this. As much as I feel that I may have been misdiagnosed, I also recognize I may just be in denial, so I am trying to keep an open mind. I look forward to reading your responses; hopefully, they will provide me some clarity.