A part of this it is not a personal pain.

My mother and my uncle (and another uncle I don't really know) a couple years ago painfully lost their father. Mom and uncle lived basically across the country from the rest of the family, and really had no idea how bad things were. 'Family' mooching off of my grandparents and treating them like absolute shit, refusing to help them at all. So my mom and uncle do what they can while living and dealing with their own lives- my mother dealing with a divorce and the loss of her business, and my uncle just having a rough time because a couple years prior he had a couple of rough surgeries within a year of each other and was finally getting back into his rhythm.

They decide to go and visit, because grandma keeps saying grandpa is really sick, so they want to go and try and help get a few things in order, considering they had also found out he hadn't been able to work in months. No one would tell them what was going on, my grandmother would lie- or I honestly think she just didn't realize how bad it was herself. She was on a lot of medication for various mental problems.

I was never close to anyone in my family except my mother, and my uncle who is the youngest of the three siblings, and I never was able to really get to know him until my parents divorced, as my dad (technically step dad) would not allow me to spend any real time around my mothers brother. And for a time I was close to my sister, but she betrayed the blood family that actually cared about her and tried to help her and her kids and decided to take on a shitty life when we were tying to give them a better one. Things have gone very down hill for my sister and one of her kids the past two years. She is an utter piece of shit, but we still tried to help because she was family, she started doing so well.. but she threw it all out eventually.

So mom and uncle visit their parents, and see that my grandpa was literally dying in his bed. He ends up in the hospital on life support, his lungs aren't doing well, his organs are shutting down. Doctors ask my grandmother what they should do, and my grandmother doesn't really grasp the situation.. that her husband is dying, her husband is asking her and the doctors to do what they can.

Eventually they couldn't help him anymore. Grandma isn't in her right mind to make a decision, and my mother was dealing with it all very hard, so it became the little brothers decision to take him off life support. He did not like being the sole decide, I could feel the pain inside of him and my mother.

Fast forward a few months, my grandmother starts losing it. She's just sick, she's dying, she's gone into cancer remission twice in her life by that point, and it was coming back a third time with a vengeance. We finally get her to move up with us, and at this point all of us are in a house together. My mother, uncle and his wife and me, and then my grandmother. Not long after her kidneys begin to fail. Then soon after that, her bowels ruptured due to her taking so many prescribed pills for almost her whole life, she had several pounds petrified bowels resting in her intestines that finally gave in. I was the one who heard her calls and found her covered in blood. I was so numb to it, I didn't really care.. but I helped her and told my mom, the only other person home, to call 911.

Grandma ends up in the hospital for months. Then in hospice for months. We know she isn't going to last much longer, so we get them to let us take her hope, with continued hospice care. That lasts for a few months. She goes to chemo and dialysis often. But one week she finally started fading and passed away with her kids around her.. I was asleep when it happened.

I hated seeing my mom and uncle upset. I could just feel their pain.. and I couldn't understand why I couldn't give a shit about every thing else that was going on. Seeing them deal with that, i wish I could have done something for them, but what could I do aside from be there for them to talk to.

They leave to deal with her funeral, and my sister starts a whole bunch of drama calling the family that was trying to help her a piece of shit and what not because she's broke and can't fly all that why to attend. Hated seeing her act that way, when we told her so many times to come visit with her and her kids, and she never did. Again, I hated seeing my mother and uncle deal with this.. what I felt from this was so powerful.

This is where my personal sadness and pain begin to come into play.

I've always known my uncle was strange, it's safe to say that of all our blood relatives, he and I are the most different and the most alike to each other.

My mom and uncle are back by Halloween. Mom hangs out with my uncles wife all day and they do errands and such while my uncle and I are at work, he gets me from work and I chat with him because he just seems like he's doing so shitty after all the things he just dealt with, on top of having to go back to work right away. We start talking about strange things, things most uncles wouldn't talk about with their nieces. Sexual fetishes being a question that has come up. One thing leads to another and my uncle is puncturing his flesh to let me taste another persons blood for the first time- as I had expressed I had tried with others before with no one willing to take part in things so strange. Then my tongue is down his throat, and then I'm sucking on it, wanting more.. but my mother and aunt are home soon, so we stop.. we continue talking until they arrive.

That wasn't painful or sad for me yet at that point. It's only months later of he and I's relationship slowly progressing that I realize I've fallen in love with my uncle. The only person next to my mother who has literally accepted every part of me. Although if my mother knew about this part, I'm not so sure she'd accept that.

It's been over a year now. I'm madly in love with him. Before it got so serious, back when we were just having fun with each other and he was helping me explore my desires, it was wonderful, we were so happy, and I continued to try and spend time with other people, to try and have something- someone else. Our sexual relationship even evolved into something I always wanted, a Dom/sub interaction. It's wonderful, I could never trust anyone before that to have such control over me in those kinds of interactions. No one I'd try to be around excited me though. I would only leave just to socialize and try and be 'normal'.

I still live with him and his wife. Before he and I involved ourselves with each other they were already having problems, which I am sure is part of the reason it was so easy for him to be doing some pretty wild things with me. I've never liked her, I am only a decent person to her because she was attached to someone in my family who I respected, and I do keep being decent. He loves her, I know he does, and I know he would like to have her around still. And he still wants me around, but I am sick of being around her. I'm sick of seeing them together. I have expressed if he wants me to continue to be with him, and me not involving myself with anyone else, she has to leave. Though I don't see myself become interested in anyone else, not like I am with him, my interactions would most likely only be sexual with other people, and then I'd move on. Even if I lived that way, I refuse to stay in the situation I am in for the rest of my life.

I have my doubts in the things he says to me, I often feel as if I'm going crazy. I don't like the doubts, because I'd love to believe them. That he actually wants to spend his time with me being his, and he's slowly trying to dissolve his existing relationship in such a way she doesn't try to fuck everything in his life up. I do believe him, but those doubts are still there, but I often see or hear things that prove their relationship will be ending.. eventually. I hope. I feel stupid about it most of the time though. Like I'm just being played, and they are both a part of it, but at the same time there's so many signs where it's not a lie.

It's not healthy. I know it's not. My mental state has always been shitty, but this situation has pushed me down very far. I cry, every night. I want to be near him, he's so close yet so far. I'm so in love.. infatuated.. obsessed. My mind wanders to extremes. To distract myself I throw myself into a fantasy world that I'm in literally everyday. It's not healthy.

Often I think about moving, but I can't exactly move out easily as I pay them rent, and they depend on that part of income from me to support that house. I won't put him in that situation where he has to find a way to support that house before he gets a chance to set it up to sell.

This sadness.. madness.. is what I feel is the most I have felt and experienced in the world. Not just my own pain, but the pain I saw and felt my mother and uncle go through.

Though, there are plenty of things that are far worse, as usual. That still doesn't mean my own is meaningless.

Things will get better- things will change.

Only time will tell.