I was scheduled to do a hospice assessment and admission on a client that lived out in meth country. None of the staff had seen medical records or gotten a good clarification on terminal status. Regardless, off I went.
Sure, there were emaciated pigs and pitbulls all over the property and sure, the barn had a sign saying, "We Don't Call 9-1-1!" Nothing atpyical for backwoods property, but the house had boarded up windows and looked abandoned. The office verified that the address was correct, though, so I got my equipment and rang the doorbell.
The door creeks open like a goddamn haunted house and then there's a skinny methhead squinting at me like a goddamn vampire hiding from the light. I thought there might not be electricity, but I see a lamp buzzing further off in another room. He remarks that the patient is in a back bedroom and beckons me into the dark. At this point my SHADY FUCK ALARM is wooping out of control, but I'm also concerned that a terminal patient is onsite and being neglected. I negotiate that I will come in if the light is turned on and the client shouts towards me. The vampire complies, and I see why the windows are boarded from the outside and tin-foiled from the inside...
I'M IN A GODDAMN METH LAB! There are pipes and beakers and rice cookers and shit. There are two girls passed the fuck out in their panties. There are needles. And there's another dark hallway separating me from the patient's room. So I suck it up and tell Vampire to turn on the fucking hallway light now because I'm going to need to see the floor and make sure every step I take is sake.
Lights go on, I go down the hallway and into the patient's room, thinking I'm about to rescue Mr. Terminal Grandpa. The person I find on the bed looks immediately too healthy for hospice or home health; the pallor is all wrong, his cheeks are plump, his hair is shiny. He's a big fat man with a wheelchair sitting next to the bed. He scoots himself upright. He grins.
Before I have a chance to ask any clarifying questions about his diagnosis, he pulls the covers off to reveal his semi-erect penis. I'm a fucking professional goddammit so I STOOD THERE and asked if he needed terminal care. He started to touch his penis, softly at first, then a bit more aggressively...then he stopped and said...
YES BITCH I'M IN PAAAAIN!