Envy is wanting what someone else has, jealousy is being of losing something you have.

I don't envy your wife, because I don't envy your marriage. And I'm not jealous of her, because I she can't take anything from me. If anything I fight against feeling guilty for being in love with her husband. So none of this is about her.

It's about us. For someone who is hard wired toward monogamy your ability to love two people is as foreign for me as jealousy is for you. I know you love her, I believe you when you tell me you love me...but I don't understand how it works.

I don't think either of us are right or wrong...just two different mindsets which we've always been honest about. When I've allowed myself to muse about what things would be like in the hypothetical where we could be together irl I didn't think it would be a deal breaker because I have the feeling if you were getting what you needed emotionally, romantically, and sexually in this hypothetical relationship with me you would be satisfied enough not to fall in love with random women.

Hubris from hypothetical me? Probably, but it's a fantasy. Irl I am aware if there wasn't a meeting of the minds it would be an uncross able chasm.

Anyway, when we've been spending time alone together it's not been an issue the vast majority of the time. You know how I feel about your marriage and I don't spend time thinking about it unless it comes up. I focus on you and being with you gives me so much happiness.

The danger of our little isolated bubble and amazing fantasy worlds is that when reality intrudes as of course it will it can be full of unpleasant reminders for me.

None of what I am about to say is anything you are doing wrong, nothing is your fault...or mine. It just is and it's stuff I'm struggling with.

That you fell in love with me made me ridiculously happy and continues to. I am jealous of your love for her.

That you long to cuddle with me, and hold hands, and be together just talking...I am jealous that you not only want, but have this with her.

The endless hours we've spent in the last 25 days exploring each others sexuality and discovering new things in each other...the incredible pleasure we've given each other...I'm jealous that you long for this with her instead of me.

I knew all this going in, it's something I'm actually quite proud of being able to handle now. it's huge growth on my part of accept there are other ways of loving besides the all encompassing kind from my world...but when it comes up like now it's an unpleasant feeling for me.

When you said earlier that you were sorry you weren't thinking of it as the pain point you knew it to be for me I think that's really fair.

So if jealousy is afraid of losing something of yours...I am.

I sure as hell didn't anticipate falling in love with you, but since it's happened I've been happier than I've been in a long time. The possibility of losing that is scary to me.

Not that I wouldn't be able to deal, not that I wouldn't be genuinely glad if you were truly happy...but it will hurt and that scares me.

So I am jealous. And my defense mechanisms are screaming at me to pull back and run and leave you before you can leave me...but I can't. Because I love you. Because even though I know the pain is coming I don't want to cut short by even a minute the kind of happiness I may never feel again.

Because having some of your heart is better than having none, despite how pathetic that sounds.

So the distance tonight...I know on my part it was not having as good a handle on my jealousy as I need to so I was viewing everything through that lens and looking for reassurance made it worse.

When I mentioned going no contact all week it was out of desire to distance to protect myself. When you agreed so readily to it hurt that you were fine with no contact with me.

I wanted you to need to talk to me, even if limited, every day. I wanted reassurance that you still wanted me in your life as much as you could. You felt that way before and I needed to know you still did...and so it hurts that you don't seem to.

And I know that's not fair. It wasn't a test, just a response I couldn't control.

When you told me about cuddling with her I felt like you said it to push me away. But given how you said you don't understand jealousy maybe you didn't realize how that feels to hear. Idk.

When you said if I hooked up you would be happy for me and while you said you'd miss me it definitely felt to me like you could take me or leave me and didn't really matter if I was part of your life or not. Then I again reminded myself of our differences on jealousy and I can't assign it the same meaning as if I said it.

So while I know my distance stemmed from jealousy, which I'm working on, Idk about your distance. If it was merely a response to mine or if you are withdrawing for me for other reasons.

I just know it sucks and I miss feeling close to you. I feel like I don't even have the right to want you sexually because Idk if it's welcome anymore.

I loved that you would go to bed thinking of me, holding your pillow wishing it was me. Last two nights feeling that I'm the last thing on your mind in bed hurts.

I've rambled too long...I was just trying to explain the distance from my end praying that's all it is...but needing to know the truth if you have reasons for distancing on yours.

All I know is I love you. And I miss you. And I miss being close to you. And I don't want to go a week with out talking to you...I don't want to go a day. I want you to need me a much as I need you. As much as you did.

I fucking hate this because irl this would be so much easier...we could talk and touch and see each other and so much of this distance would either be confirmed or refuted without words or hours of typing.

I love you. I'm sorry I'm not as evolved on this issue but I am trying.