I had been silently contemplating suicide for over a year at this point, and after one more of a long list of personal failures... I thought I was ready.
First, I made sure no one would be home to stop me. Then I cut an electrical cord, tied it into a noose, stepped up onto a trashcan and tied it off to the rafter in my garage - put the noose around my neck and prepared to tip the trashcan.
As I was standing there, crying, thinking to myself how much of a waste my life has been - and that I really should just end it - I thought, well - I could at least go eat something, make a last meal of sorts. Then I'll come back and kill myself.
So I went inside, made myself a couple grilled cheese sandwiches and some tomato soup, ate it all -crying the entire time. It was a lot of food, I normally don't eat that much - and afterwards all I wanted to do was lay down, so I did. I told myself after it's digested a bit, I'll end it.
As I was laying there, perfectly comfortable in my bed. I realized how much I was enjoying laying there, being so satisfied from eating. It was then I told myself that well, I could kill myself any time I wanted to - but as long as there were things I still enjoyed doing, no matter how petty - I might as well go on. And should ever be a point in time where I no longer enjoyed ANYTHING - killing myself will always be an option.
Since then, I've found pleasure in things I didn't even acknowledge before. Mowing the grass, cleaning my house, making my bed, doing laundry - even rewatching old TV shows.
I almost killed myself over perceived failures, which although technically THEY WERE failures, I realized that life isn't over until I want it to be - barring some kind of accident or whatever. So I might as well live, enjoy what I can when I can.
Sure I still hurt from time to time, but I've never been so close to killing myself before or since. And honestly, now I look back on it and even appreciate the fact that I almost did it - because if I hadn't stood up on that trashcan, noose around my neck, having the complete power to end my life with no one to stop me - I would have never realized how there are still little things in this life I enjoy doing.
I'm just thankful I didn't have a gun, at that time (I do now), otherwise I most likely wouldn't be around to discover these things.