I apologize, I'm processing a lot right as now as I only had my "coming to God" moment a few days ago now and am trying to simply engage outside myself but I'm still pretty self-centered at the moment.
I don't know how to do a short version.
The short version is that I've been living at home with my parents since I graduated. I was a good student but I had issues my senior year because I'd used my parents intensely as my support network the year before among other things; I studied abroad the year prior and it was difficult. After graduation I went out of my way to make a clear agreement with them that they would financially support me getting into medical school. I gave up numerous amazing incoming job offers.
They put me in a shitty position that I had to choose between the MCAT and taking charge of a massive construction project that they left me with since they were, beyond all sense, leaving on vacation. Wanting to be a good, loyal son I cancelled my test and although devastated that I'd have to put off medical school one more year, I figured I'd be able to study more. I don't even remember when it happened, but somewhere in there they said there was no more money for me to prepare for medical school.
My dreams were gone. I had happened to meet the love of my life during my latest-prep studies and she had a mind altering medical emergency that changed who she was so I ended up losing her because of her change in personality in the months prior.
I have since been absolutely confused about my finances and motivations. I tried finding work. I found a terrible medical related job where my boss harassed and all but assaulted me regularly. My parents started to give me money enough to live and do things and I became aware that despite everything there was still money in my name that made it so that I couldn't apply for unemployment or like financial aid for school. So I have enough money to do things, but not enough to do any of the things I want? If I complain, I'm an entitled asshole right? How can you complain about free money? Who would do that? If I talk to any of my friends, they'll know how much more money I have than them and I learned from a girlfriend in between how godawful an idea it is to do that. It completely changed our relationship for the worse.
I'm living with people who are simply the worst living beings to coexist with for me. If I work, I will never be able to have the safety net of unemployment that other people do and failure is likely. I felt worthless, alienated. I tried out for the military, failed at that. Started studying again with the money that I'd earned just to do it before I died since, why the hell not. I met some cool people and an amazing teacher who wanted to help me become a doctor but I left her and her friendship because I didn't know how to talk about my financial situation, that I still hadn't figured out how to get around the fact that I had some money to do things, but there was enough in my name to keep me from ever applying to a real educational program. I don't know why it never occurred to me to fight back or get a lawyer. I'd had all the energy and fight sapped from me. I was just a sack of shit with enough money to anything I wanted, except deep down I knew couldn't, but I didn't believe myself about that because I knew no one would believe me and I'm just a crazy entitled prick.
Nursing came up while I was taking those courses. The courses I took would have put me in position to do that now. I was told I needed to come up with a different plan. Almost immediately after hearing that I stayed up late, not sleeping or taking care of myself until I was in my car and hit by a large truck on my way to school. Not sure if you could call it a suicide attempt and that's what made it so perfect.
I left the people there. I felt like they became suspicious and I panicked when my teacher friend couldn't help me secure a tutoring job she thought I would have done well at. I started a small resale business. It wasn't enough money to live off of, but it was something to put on my resume. I asked if I could use some of whatever money there was for me to create a business. My mother didn't even say anything, she just shook her head and looked away. I literally lost my mind. Just before a tradeshow I got scammed out of more money than I'd like to admit because I had a manic episode and thought I could get product I knew didn't exist in such quantities at the time.
Since then they've made fun of me and told me maybe I could go to welding school. I retracted from all of my friends and just played video games for the last year. Partly because I knew I couldn't just keep running away from my parents to go see other people when they would spout their crazy bullshit or passive aggressive nonsense, partly because I was actually sick for a long time last year.
Sometime in the last six months I saw a piece of mail that I wasn't supposed to get, even though it had my name on it from a financial institution. I saw a big number with a lot of zeros. I thought "They fucking own me." My mom came by to take the piece of mail.
I've been thinking for the past 6 months alternating between "I've had a good life." and "They fucking own me." I've been wanting to die for the last who fucking knows how long because I can't find any point to living. I've been a shitty friend and rightly distancing myself from anyone I know. I have a stack of christmas cards on my desk unopened.
It was when my father suggested the other night that he could "find some funds" to send me to some shitty trade-school in the midwest, a trade that would essentially doom me to a life of poverty as if it were some amazing offer of charity on his behalf after he and my mother have told me they won't support me in anything that I do and that for some reason it's been hard to find the internal motivation to live, let alone find work when I can't hope to even have dreams or aspirations in this life. That I know now what exactly is going on in my own mind. The money that I didn't understand, if it was there, wouldn't just make it impossible to apply for financial aid, it would make it illegal. It would literally be illegal for me to apply to any school program and seek financial aid. It would ridiculously confuse any attempt I made at getting student loans. Why would I want to work or live if in the back of my mind, even if I couldn't admit it to anyone, no matter how hard I worked, I would have to work harder than anyone else to study the things I want simply because my parents disagree? They shouldn't have that right. It's going to take me a lot of work to make it so they don't, but at least I know what has to happen now.