Will you give it another try?

I know that sounds harsh, but there's a backstory to why I ask. I've killed 3 people. That sounds bad. I'm a locomotive engineer for a railroad and truthfully, I didn't kill anyone... The train did. But I was at the controls.

All 3 were "suicide by train", and as weird or messed up as this is going to sound, not a single one of them bothered me because of the fact that all of these people likely felt exactly as you describe you feel.

I remember them all very vividly, but especially the first one because obviously, it was the first. It was summer time, around noon, and we had been running all night. We were running on green lights the whole way, but we were expecting to have to hold out about 15mi up the rail, so as we came around this curve we knew a signal mast was on the right side of the track, and were expecting a flashing yellow. As the track straightened up, I saw someone walk towards the track. Nothing new, people cross the tracks all the time or go up and put stuff on the rail to be crushed by the train, so I didn't think anything of it. We kept talking about if we could make out if the signal was green or flashing​ yellow, and I see the person lay across the tracks.

This is still not as strange as you would think... People mess with trains all the time. Crossing at the last second in the car, or running across on foot with inches to spare. It happens several times a day. So the conductor looks at me and says, "Did someone just go lay across the tracks?" And I'm still not positive that that is what I saw, but I tell him possibly, yes. We were going 60mph, so no speed adjustment or brake reduction would have changed anything. A few seconds later, as we approached, it was clear that they were in fact laying across the rails (not between), but who knew if it was a joke and they were going to move or not (I'm not kidding... It happens more than you would ever believe).

So I start blowing the whistle, and they look right at me, and I realize that it is very likely that they are there to die, but I still didn't know for sure. I keep blowing, but we are a hazmat train and our tail is still in a curve so I don't want to put the train into an emergency brake application until I KNOW we are going to take this person out. So sure enough, they didn't move and we chopped their head and legs off, I put the train into emergency, and we stopped a mile later.

I got 3 days off with pay, and strangely, I was completely at peace with the whole deal and almost feel like I did them a favor and ended their misery. The conductor was pretty upset and quit, maybe because he had to go track down the head. I saw the head later and still was fine with it.

That being said... Hopefully you can get on some meds and get unfucked up and lead a normal life. But if not, my tracks are always open to you and there will be no hard feelings.