My ex boyfriend raped me. The people who need to know do, but it took forever to tell them because I thought it simply wasn't 'bad' enough. Majority of the people in my life don't know because my ex is a frighteningly charming narcissistic, and turned my entire social network (we went to high school and university together, tons of mutual friends) against me, destroying my reputation and labelling me a crazy bitch who'll fuck whatever moves. I developed a lot of trauma symptoms that had me stop studying and quit my job and generally nuke my life. I fell apart completely. I don't feel the same; I was a pretty optimistic, loving person before. Now I frequently struggle with anger, self loathing, depression, a sense of hopelessness. I was doing a law degree and I'm meant to go back to school now that I'm somewhat 'better'. I know I'll have to see him on campus again. I wish I had some way to make him pay, but there is no evidence, no nothing, for any of what he did to me, and I was so afraid and isolated at the time that I never asked for help, I actively kept it all a secret. I feel like a part of me is gone forever. The world doesn't look the same to me, and I know intellectually it isn't true but in my gut I feel 'ruined', like damaged goods. The worst part is feeling like a total pussy. I hate myself for not fighting back hard enough. Of everything he did the worst was that he robbed me of my self belief. I no longer believe I am strong.