Until earlier this month I though it was just a figure of speech, but I'm fucking terrified of getting blue balls again...

Turns out it's medical name is "epididymal hypertension" and it is, by far, the worst thing that has ever happened to my gentlemen.

For Christmas we spent a week my sisters place which is around a 4 hour drive from home. We had a pretty great time while we were there, but privacy wasn't exactly a thing with 3 kids and 8 adults running around a reasonably small house, so the wife and I went dry for the whole time we were there.

Queue our return and as soon as our daughter's in bed and we start going at it in the living room.

Everything's going fine and dandy, then after a while I realise that I'm simply not finishing... I mean... Things are going swimmingly. We're both having a great time but there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Not even a hint. We try a bunch of different things and no matter what we do it's not happening, so we give up. We chuck our kit back on and fire up Netflix...

2 minutes later I'm on the floor imitating a dying animal. My scrotum's swollen up and turned a dark sort of off-colour and I can't move... Anything that causes my meat and veg to move gives me the deepest, most soul destroying pain I've ever experienced.

I swing between crying and laughing because the general and his privates want to vacate the premises, the wife starts freaking out because she thinks I'm dying, so she uses her Google-fu to find out what the hell is going on and how the hell we fix it.

Turns out I need to milk to python. Which, as we've already established, is not happening and not any more likely to happen now I'm contemplating ending it all.

It took about 20 minutes, but eventually I could move again... The whole area was tender and sore for a good 5-6 hours.