I'm a bit of a longwinded person, so bear with me.

I'm a lot like the guy near the top who drowns his loneliness in media about people who matter. Books, games, shows, you name it. Consume everything there is to find about each one, milk it dry, then feel so much worse off afterwards. I've been doing this for so long that I started running out of stories. So, naturally, my next step was to start making some. Fanfiction, for the most part. Just that alone should tell you plenty.

My biggest work could be described as nothing short of a glorified self-insert, though I deny it to everyone, including myself. The more I look back on it, the more obvious it is. My main original character is a kind-hearted, idealistic person who's shunned and reviled by others for what she is. No one hates her for it more than she hates herself. But she has talents. She makes some very close friends who see her for who she is instead of what she is, and she still tries to do what's right regardless. Her actions make a difference. She's important. Basically everything I wish I could say about myself.

A really shitty premise for a story? Yes, and I knew that going in. But I still get dejected when I think of how bad it is. How nothing I have to say or write has any real impact on anyone other than myself, not like the stories I'm trying to copycat. I wanted people to tell me it resonated with them, that I wasn't just wasting my time yelling into the void of the Internet. I went on the fanfiction forums and did review trades, basically BUYING people to read my story because it wasn't strong enough to lure people in without that. I got so desperate for good reviews that I wrote reviews on each chapter of MY OWN story just to inflate my count, hoping that maybe someone would see the count and think, "huh, this has a lot of reviews. Maybe it's worth something."

Writing barely does it for me anymore. What the hell is the point? I have nothing original to add. Even if I did, it wouldn't be good, and even if it was, why would anyone care? I've tried getting my "friends" and family to read some of my stories. The answer I always get is "I'll get around to it." They never do, none of them. My mom is a published author and she won't even spare the time to read my first chapter and tell me if the start has promise. I'm basically just writing for myself. That's what people on the fanfiction subreddit always say, "write for yourself." Why would I do that when I hate myself more than anything else?

It's all so routine. Wake up. Go to job/class for 8 hours and let my mind drift to alleviate the boredom. Go home and sit alone trying to write something no one will read, or go around on forums and try to beg strangers to read it and tell me that something I did means something.

I'm tired. Of the routine, the stories, the lack of any genuine connection to anyone. I'm so tired. If I could, I'd probably spend all day in bed. Sometimes I think I could and no one would care. The only things that keep me going are my little sisters. One will be starting preschool this fall. I wish I got to see them more often. They're the only people who make me feel like I mean something to someone.

I haven't always felt like this. I don't want to. I used to be the class clown and find joy in just about everything. But life has a way of dragging you through the mud, and it's hard to get out when you have no one to help pull you out. I knew years ago this was probably what my life would be like, alone and cut off from everyone. At the time it sounded like a blessing. But as much as I like to be by myself... I don't like being alone. If that makes any sense.

I want to be happy again. I want to find worth in what I do. I want to feel like I mean something, that the things I do will have meaning. I don't want to be alone forever. But I don't know how to change. I don't know if I can.

I'm sorry. This sounds pretty pathetic. I should probably find a better place to post this. I don't mean to heap my baggage on a random stranger.