I've been single about 3 years and a bit. The reasons why is that I have not looked for a boyfriend since leaving my last partner - and the reason why not is multitude really. For the first year it was that I wanted to be alone for a while because I had just come out of an LTR. After that I did start to considering getting close to a person but they weren't very nice to me - that's a bit of an understatement, they managed to push every insecurity button in my body, which set me off into a torrent of self hatred, which pretty much destroyed my psychological health and I was off work for a while and couldn't really function anymore for about six months.

Although about 80% of that episode was because of my own brand of self loathing - i.e. it was largely me screaming at me that destroyed me so completely; the thing I learned from that episode was that it's* really, really easy* to destroy me completely and for me to lose a year of my life to it. I mean, he was a terrible person all round, but I can't really say that he "did it to me" because like I say a lot of it was really that the shame was already there and he just kept pushing those sore spots. I think he just kinda enjoyed it.

Anyway, so I try to look at it like it's a really good thing that happened because now I'm aware of what kinds of judgements I make about myself, which allows me the opportunity to change those judgements in order that I can protect myself. But honestly, I don't really trust my brain not to demolish me. I'm not sure I can have my own back quite enough to protect myself against other people.

So basically, the first year was a choice, but I think the last two years have been out of fear.