Throw away because I'm ashamed of I'm going to say and my husband knows my username.
Fuck I could write this. I'm 20 with a 1.5 year old. I was always the girl who would "go places", the first to go to college in my family. I met my now husband towards the end of junior year in high school. We fell in love and I gave up college to follow him to the other side of the country (he's in the military). I got pregnant a few months before we left for his duty station. I give myself a lot of grief for not going to college. About not "living out" my 20s. I wanted to study anthropology and travel to small villages and drown myself in their culture. Instead I'm wiping up poop and following my son around cleaning up his toys. Seriously I've had all the same ugly thoughts you've had, the exact same ones. The military gave me an opportunity to take classes to get a certification so I can get a job to pay for when I do go to college. For now I work part time, and it's helped a lot. It gets me out of the house, around other adults. Also the little bit of extra money is nice. But having a plan has made me feel so much better. I'm not saying I don't think of the life I would've had otherwise. It keeps me up at night. I'll never get the college experience I always dreamed of. I'll never be able to up and leave to a distant country without a care in the world. I'll never get to make big mistakes while I try to find myself because I have a little person to protect and nurture. I felt so brain dead when I was staying home with my son. Being a sahm is great for some but definitely not for all. Get a part time job. Or a full time, whatever you want. It'll make you feel human again. I've had thoughts that I've wasted my life. That I'm only 20 and I only get one life and already I've wasted it, that I have nothing to look forward to, that I won't have any cool stories when I'm old or anything to show for my life. I love my son, I love my husband, all in all I have a wonderful life. I'm just still getting used to the future I hadn't planned.