I hate myself. I have PTSD, but maybe it’s both that and bystander. I was on a walk and took a turn to get to a crosswalk when I realized that I had just passed a man laying in the grass with his arm stiff in a funny angle. I couldn’t move. I looked around. I shit you not, my primary concern was, “well what if he’s just enjoying the sun and I bother him?? Don’t want to overreact?” My PTSD response had me afraid of consequences so my body wouldn’t move. I started to become flooded with other questions but didn’t know, “is this rigor mortis? Can I handle seeing a dead person? If I call the police will he get in trouble? Will I get in trouble? Will someone get hurt? Do I need to do CPR? Did he have a stroke? Is that for strokes? What’s the acronym for strokes?” While my brain did that, somebody actually useful ran up. Fuck me!!!

I think if I did some kind of crisis training that might not happen. I’m looking for something I can do. I hate that I just froze.