Major anger problems here.

When I was a teenager I was filled with rage. It wasn't what you may stereotypically think. I had gone through pretty terrible abuse and bullying as a kid. I was really confused about it all and I was angry.

I could be provoked to a shuttering flushed rage by someone brushing my face with their jacket. I bloodied my knuckles once on a wall in response to a friend mentioning they had started smoking.

I really tried not to take my anger out on people. Almost entirely objects took the brunt of my rage. Before I moved out at 18 I took a weekend to repair all the holes I had made in the walls.

At the time I didn't understand that I was rageful, I couldn't admit it because it felt like losing somehow. So long as I kept my pride about the situation I could "win".

As my teen years moved along I had a lot of reflection. I was really religious at the time and Jesus was an amazing example to me of unconditional love. I really tried to follow that example. I learned to view the person who abused me as a confused and lost person as well. They didn't do it maliciously. They did it really because they had it pretty shitty themselves at one point.

It became really apparent to me around this time that as angry as I was, anger begets anger.

I was arguing religion with someone around this time and I was getting a bit heated about what they were saying. The person quipped at me telling me that only I controlled my anger. Which at the time really pissed me off and he kind of "won" that argument.

It really stuck with me though. For years I would reflect on him digging me like that and become flushed with anger. I kept thinking about it over the years and it really sunk in.

You are responsible for your own anger. You alone. No matter what is happening, it's your choice how you respond. When I was younger I learned avoidance. When I got that heat up in my shoulders telling me I was getting angry I would leave. Break things sometimes that could afford to be broken instead of confronting people. This worked up to a point. Still to this day my go to method the moment my shoulders get warm is to simply admit I'm about to compromise myself and to change behavior. Usually leaving but sometimes it means dropping something I think is important. When I have that urge to push a point I bite my tongue and remind myself that if I'm angry I'm obviously in no state.

I've come to understand that anger is your goto response for agency. It comes about in a certain circumstance. That is when you are confronted with information that you do not want, it is somewhat urgent, you can act on it but are unsure how in the timeframe.

If someone insults you for instance, you are suddenly confronted with 2 ideas. You think you are a person that is worth not being insulted. Someone has presented you with the idea that you are a person worth being insulted. In social situations there is a time limit to wittiness. The moment you are insulted an invisible clock starts where you need to nail a response or else it will socially reinforce their dominance. You can respond, and depending on who you are you will respond in all sorts of manner.