2 years few months now. this probably isnt what youre expecting but.

im just going to say im tearing this relationship apart and i just cant stop it. my extreme lack of self confidence and insecurities that have been slowly tearing at every single bit of confidence i had during the first year completely crumbled as i realized i wasnt any better.

my mind goes blank and theres rage and sadness that flows iver me at rankmd periods of time no matter how good of a morning i had. my brain goes into fight or flight and the adrenaline suppresses my ability to feel any empathy. i cant even fake it. i fake it and i feel even more hateful.

i feel so bad for having him have to be with me. hes been tired of it but i only have therapy once a week. its hard with a new therapists. and the progress i got is now reset.

as soon as the adrenaline flushes out of my system, in a snap of a finger, sleepiness swallows me whole and my mind seperates from whatever reality caused me to go into rage mode.

i dont take any substances at all. not alcohol, weed, not on any meds. its just raw emotions. that ive never been taught how to stop.

but my boyfriend is still so caring. he does what he cans. when everything feels good with me for those few random days it’s amazing. until the cycle repeats.