This this this.

I have a stocky build. Everyone in my family has a stocky build. No one is, or has ever been, overweight. We're just sort of...square. Broad shoulders, broad hips, wide rib cage (so no curvy waist), thick thighs, big hands and feet. One giant, blocky square. Healthy, but stocky.

In college, I gained the dreaded Freshmen 15 (well, 10, but still). My BMI was 22, and I thought to myself: I'll drop down to a BMI of 19, and then I'll gain back muscle! I'll be slim and toned, with a great ass, a defined waist, and lean legs! This is my chance! I wasn't dumb enough to think I'd look like a female celebrity (whose job depends on dieting, exercise, makeup, the perfect pose, etc), but I figured... I'd be close. I'd look good, all slender and feminine. I was 100% sure my stockiness was just fat and could be burned away.

So I dieted, in a healthy manner. I joined fitness classes, and ran, and did strength yoga. I dropped down to a BMI of 19, stopped dieting and gained back a little bit of muscle. I was strong! I remember being impressed with the tone of my arms, how far I could run. I had hardly any dimply skin, very little flab... and I was still stocky. Very, very bony -- you could see all of my ribs, my collarbone, my hips protruded out to sharp little points you could see through my jeans -- but I was still stocky. I looked nothing like celebrities you see on TV, and that was the moment where I realized I never would. All that hard work, for "nothing".

So I gained it all back. I stopped working out, and I stopped caring. Because what was the point? Even with the weight gain, I was still a healthy BMI of 22, I still exercised like 2x a week, but I could never be the ideal girl, the mainstream girl. It was the worst level of insecurity, and it's really difficult to explain to others. Thin but not the ideal thin, big boned but not big.

I'm still working on my body acceptance. I'm still trying really hard not to compare myself to girls in magazines. I will never have a slender, "feminine" toned body, but I am a healthy weight, despite my stockiness. I'm dieting back down to a BMI of 20.5 (because I realize now that a BMI of 19 put me underweight for my stocky build), and then I'll start heavier exercise, again. That is what Body Acceptance groups should be about. It should be "health at every healthy size", because goddamn, I needed that when I was a teen.