I'm posting here, mainly as an effort for my suicide note to be read. I'm sitting here figuring that if I'm going to do something like this, I may as well let others in on my mental state to possibly help future people with depression.

I'm a 19 year old, that was born in Ohio, my parents separated at a young age, and I've since moved to Wisconsin with my father. I had an extremely painful break up back in December, when I lost the person who was well..my entire world. In fact, she's the main reason I'm writing this right now. She told me she wanted to kill herself today. Mainly because of me, and her family.

I'm doing this in an attempt to set things right in the world, I more or less have blackmailed her by using photos and the like that she has sent, in order to re-establish contact with her. I've since realized that I am a complete piece of shit.

I have been a catfish for probably 6 years now, maybe 7. And I gathered a lot of photos and what not from various girls over the years. (I no longer really have anything except from the stuff from my ex.) I lied and manipulated multiple people to get what I wanted.

I have very little going for me, I am out of shape, a loner, and not a great writer (though I'm told otherwise, I don't believe it.), I'm a high school drop out due to anxiety attacks, and truthfully my own laziness. I've never had a job, and I've never had a physical relationship, only long distance.

I do not see myself having a future, I have goals and aspirations, but they are not truly achievable.

The stress that my life has given me is unbearable, my father's knee has given out and I can no longer even enjoy playing catch with him. He's tried to help and understand but he can't. He's only even still holding onto life, because of me..which upon doing this will maybe make things easier for him as well.

I went for a walk earlier today, to try to straighten everything out in my mind. That backfired horribly as I ended up talking to my ex (whom I still love with every ounce of my soul) andddddd sending her about 50 text messages when she didn't immediately reply. I also called multiple times. I got a hold of her, and it just wasn't pretty. I'm sitting there on my bed listening to the love of my life, explaining to me why she no longer wants to live and the majority of the blame is on me.

I want nothing in my life, except for her and a few others to be happy. I've weighed the costs of love, and I've come to the decision that it is in everyone's best interest for me to go.

I've come to terms that I will never win her back, that I will never amount to anything in this pathetic fucking life, and that death will bring me peace.

Yes, I'm killing myself over a girl, but I'm also killing myself over my back pain, my depression, my anxiety, my stupidity, and my failure as a human being.

I would wait for replies but more then likely it'll just be half assed comments saying that I have so much to live for, or that it'll get better. I don't. And it won't.

Here's a song I wrote and by song I mean three verses of horrible writing. I'm sure I'll also be told that the following is good, I know that it's not. I wrote it in about 15 minutes (several lines were edited and by several I mean I changed all of them by the time I was done.)

I used to know what I wanted I used to know who we'd be But this darkness is swelling This abyss consumes me

Let the water fill our lungs Let the darkness in Feel the weight drag you down I've lost the topside Your feet are my crown

Surfacing too fast and getting the bends wondering if this "goodnight" is the last If this is finally our end

Goodbye to those I love, farewell to the ones who knew me, and fuck you if you're gonna read this and act like you knew me once this shit gets circulated on my damn Facebook.

That song was pretty great until the end.

Good, you're not a sociopath. You can see the pain you inflicted on others. You should take that to heart. You should always remember what you've done, because it will be a great basis to build yourself on.

Have some respect for those of us who do comment on here, mind you. Individuals don't like being collectively insulted.

So, you have four major problems you mentioned: family, lover, depression, and occupation. A lot of us can empathize.

If she's better off without you, don't speak to her. It's brutal the for months, but you will forget her without a year assuming there's zero contact and spying. That depends on your self-control.

You seem to hate yourself, seem to think of yourself as a monster. You can see these problems. Don't let them continue. Be that hero you've always wanted to be; work towards being a better person.

Probably not too helpful, I get it. You seem very capable of the introspection necessary to get you out of your mess, which you seem to trace solely to yourself. You don't need to die, you need to try to be a better person.