Regarding the affection, it was indirectly happening because I feared it would lead to sex this anxiety. It's far easier to avoid something unpleasant than continually discuss early on when zero progress or understanding was happening on either of our parts. Quite frankly my husband felt rejected and I felt harassed and persecuted as he wasn't hearing what was going on with me causing the lack of sex. I think in this situation both partners have to genuinely listen to each other, not necessarily agree but listen. When I realized I was withholding affection due to avoiding the main issue it has been something I have focused on. We have discussed it and have requested some boundaries with emphasis that this is the fist step in becoming intimate and it is not going to happen over night.
Being affectionate in public wasn't a plan or something premeditated. I was simply explaining that it happens because it is safe. I wasn't consciously aware that it was happening until I began to examine other aspects of our life.
Regarding my husband's point of view, he wants to get these issues resolved. Initially he felt rejected but over time he realizes very little of this is about him. He knows I admire and love him. He is sad at the loss of intimacy and is open to helping however he can to get this resolved. It is primarily my point of view as I am the one with the issue.
Regarding anger, fortunately anger is not our instinctual response emotion. There are many layers involved in human sexuality, and I think women's libidos are a little more complex (emotional, physical, mental) from what I have read, particularly since much of sex is invasive to women (happens inside our bodies) and remains external for most men. I was hoping for suggestions that consider both of our needs, primarily ways to help me kickstart my libido...different things to try, different perspectives.
As most of the focus is on fulfilling the HL partner, both online and in the doctor's office, I suspect this is a primary reason why there are often few solutions. Forcing someone to engage in an act they are having difficult with often causes further disengagement, resentment, and anxiety. If it were are more tangible problem solutions would most likely be more readily available, such as try x, y, or z and it is easier to determine what is failing.