So I recently joined Quora and the people on there are so much better than many on Reddit, you don't see a lot of racist stuff there. I've been answering a lot of questions about black identity and it's very draining. On Reddit I've been trying to answer questions because I want to educate people and dispel false assumptions and beliefs but it's so much harder because people here are SO RACIST. To make things worse I moved to the Midwest which seems to be the most racist region, the least amount of interracial marriages, lots of segregation. I've never been more lonely in my life. It's so hard for me to make friends here that I've stopped and men, well I am valued about as much as a used piece of gum here despite my intelligence, wit and conventionally good looks I'm alone. I've actually decided to push the dream of being married out of my head because I've had to try to force things with men who would never take me seriously because of my hue and racial assumptions about my identity. I'm really hurt, I'm really sad and angry that I have to deal with racism. I sometimes think about bleaching all my skin so that I can be treated like a mixed girl, but I like my skin and don't want to dye it to be seen as a full human. I'd like to see how I'm treated abroad, also other countries have more opportunities for upward mobility than America. Right now I'm trying to stay strong for me. White men are the top of the food chain in America but have the highest suicide rates, they can't deal when things don't work out for them. Black women have the lowest suicide rates, we are used to being treated like garbage, are tough and resilient. Black women are finally starting to take care of themselves, we have been at the bottom of the food chain for years and are the least likely to marry (most of us eventually will). Black women are the least popular yet spend the most on appearance, we have gone back to natural hairstyles and are starting to reject the culture that has rejected us. Black women will be the 1st to close the income gap and are getting more degrees.
I also feel though self conscious about myself because the media portrays me so negatively. I feel hyper aware if I'm angry and I feel bad about being single because the media paints me as a perpetually single woman. I'm soft too and I try to show that, I also avoid stuff like animal prints because of the exotic and jungle lady trope. I wish I could just be me without judgement or insecurity. When I was younger and religious I thought being black was a punishment, now I know it's just a random set of occurrences that caused me to be born. I have to be me because of my parents DNA. I also think that I'm someone who can help dispel stereotypes and make life easier for other blacks someday. I have to stay strong for my people.