I'm down 70lbs - great. I feel better than I have in probably two decades. It's definitely great progress, not denying that. But I have another 100lbs to go at least (ideally 130) and tonight that's just really bumming me out.
My daughter came into my room earlier, reading the nutrition label on a pack of candy she had. She's 15, 5'8", 130 and down 20lbs from last fall because she wants to stay thin and healthy - super proud of her for that.
So anyway, she was reading the label on this candy she'd gotten in a bag of birthday goodies from a friend, deciding whether or not she should have a piece tonight.... I saw the label and remembered how that used to be a childhood staple for me. Then I got to thinking about just how much candy I ate as a kid; how I'd get a Christmas stocking packed full, a huge Easter basket full, massive amounts on Halloween, how often I''d get a candy bar at the grocery store, or how often there would be some home-made treat... I remembered how, every day for a couple of years, on the drive to school my dad would stop at a convenient store and I'd grab a coke and a Honey Bun and that would be breakfast... or if it was the weekend, 2-3 large bowls of cheerios with spoonfuls of sugar added would do, instead.
And I just don't understand why..... I had the most amazing parents in the world, kind, loving, supportive - everything a kid could ask for. They certainly didn't want me growing up fat and bullied and unhealthy. My dad would tell me from a very young age about how I needed to lose weight and not eat so much... and yet... they never said no.
Now here I am, almost 40, having finally, finally managed to get it together and lose 70 fucking pounds, and it's still not enough... It's not even halfway enough.
I'll get there. I know I will, but I'll always have the loose skin (or the scars) as a reminder, and I can't get back all those years when I could barely do anything because of my weight.
Most days I'm so freaking happy about the progress I've made and about how much better I feel that I can barely contain my excitement over it.
Tonight is not one of those times.