Hey, first of all thank you very much for your PM. It really means much to me because we are just some strangers on the internet who will probably never see each other.
Anyways. So where do i start? I am 19 yo, male and i met her in January this year. We knew ourselves since some months before from school but never really talked to each other. Then my friend had a birthday party and - luckily - she was invited too.
We had a very good conversation going and i asked her out which we did a week later. I instantly fell in love with this girl i dont know why.
My ex-girlfriend cheated on me back in 2013 for months and since then i couldnt open myself for anyone for a very long time. She was the first girl who changed this.
For the first time since i was like 12/13 i really had feelings for someone. My heart jumped when i had to think of her or when i saw her. My heart rate exploded when we kissed or especially had sex. She really changed something deep in my brain and heart which i couldnt explain. The feelings were really intense.
After 5 months without ANY discussion or argument, we started to had some. Mostly because of some unrelated things which upset one of us and then the other one was pissed too. Yeah, "childish" things.
We were in vacation for a week - just us two. It was really beautiful and she liked it too. But after that she went to vacation with her parents and i couldnt see her for 3 weeks. I never could imagine that we are not together anymore. I mean sure "nothing" lasts forever especially when we are 19 and 17. But for the first time in my life i was sure i will love this girl for a very long time without any doubts.
We didnt really had any contact when she was away. She posted Snapchats every day in her story but didnt write me any message and when i wrote her, the answers were short and not really like they "were all the time".
She said we have to talk. I went crazy in my head for 2 weeks and it intensified until the day she came back and we met. Her look said everything when she opened the door.
We sad down and she started saying that everytime she liked someone more that normal, she suddenly wanted distance after some weeks - because she got hurt or i dont know. And this also happened with me after these 5-6 months she told me ... I honestly didnt ever ever ever experience a feeling like i did at this moment or day. My circulatory nearly collapsed, my whole body was shaking, i began to cry for the first time in 3 years and couldnt stop for a whole hour. I really couldnt do else. My mind and body just "collapsed" and i was not able to stop crying or stop the shaking. She told me the usual stuff "Its not your fault".
This really hurt me so much i cannot describe it. It was perfect for 5 months, she showed me the love i was giving her. I gave everything for her until our last second together. Then we began to have some childish arguments. Then we were on vacation which was unforgettable. And then shes away for 3 weeks and suddenly left me. Without any fucking sign. I still cannot come over it 3 weeks later. I still dont understand what happened. I was her first relationship. Maybe she thought a relationship is "always" perfect and the feelings in the first months of a relationship last for years not "just" 5-6 months.
I couldnt eat a single bite for days, i broke down crying at home when i was alone and i lost weight. Luckily i didnt do anything "stupid" like hurting myself - which i also luckily never did in my life no matter what has happened. I know many friends who cut themselves but i did never want to do this.
I was always the kid that was more quiet than others. My self esteem was never really high its a constant up and down. Since i go to the gym and eat healthier (since 2-3 years) it got better. After my ex cheated, i also decided to go to a therapist. Last year in december i also got my first medication - a SSRI which isnt the "hard stuff" everyone thinks when he hears antidepressant. Its actually the antidepressant with the lowest side effects. Anyways ... everything i built up in this several years of "recovery" was smashed to the ground and further when she left me.
I dont know what to do without her. I deleted our pictures, deleted her from facebook and so on because it hurts me when i just see her name and especially when she just comments in instagram photos like she is happy now and nothing has happened or facebook.
I know that distracting is the most important thing after a relationship has ended. I still go to the gym 3 times a week, began to go to work 1 week after the breakup (because i got fever, headache and nausea the days after she left) and try to see my friends.
But i still feel that this is just distraction from something essential in my life. Its a daily up and down... Sometimes i feel "good" sometimes i dont know what to do with my life and i dont want to go anywhere, see anyone, do anything just sleep in my bed the whole day. I got paranoid since this day because i am not prepared to see her in the gym, the supermarket or somewhere else. I just dont know what to do when i see her and what i can do to forget her. I guess drinking and smoking weed is not a solution.
I still just do this on weekends, but since then more often. Somehow weed lets me feel better and i dont think of her anymore. Just "enjoy" what i am doing after i smoked. Hmm, but like i said. This is not a long-term solution...