Of course I still look. I should be working, and I'm doing this instead. I'm not OK either. Just because we're apart does not mean I love you any less. I'm a disgusting mess. I miss you constantly. My entire life - the live I've been trying to build for years, even before you came into it - is totally broken. I'm broken. I feel like a total failure on every level. I feel like just giving up on trying and starting over somewhere else. I often feel like I was ever the only one trying, and everyone around me always just fucking gives up because it's easier.
I don't know what you need. Apparently, I have never known. You don't know what you need. I feel like I'm in love with the idea of you - my idea of you: the strong, capable, reliable, sexy as fuck, kick-ass woman I thought I met, the one you sold me on - instead of the reality of your world. It is hard for me to acknowledge that all of this time I've been living lies you kept telling me. Lies you keep telling us both. I don't have terrible mind-reading skills, I have fucking amazing mind-reading skills, but they don't work when all the signals I get are opposite of the truth, designed to scramble my senses.
It's not fair to say I haven't been direct, or that we don't talk. For the past year or so, maybe longer, once a month, after every bullshit, unnecessary fight YOU started (almost none of which actually had anything to do with me in any way), I have tried to talk to you. I have talked in-depth with you. But it does no good. Nothing ever changes, it just gets worse. You either forget immediately or don't hear at all. Lather, rinse, repeat. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I hope you can understand how that will burn out a person's "give a shit" receptors. It's impossible to tell when there's an actual wolf when someone is always freaking out about wolves.
I don't know what kind of compromises you expect or want. I don't know what it means "doing my thing" when my thing always involved you fully and completely. How hard I always tried to include you in EVERYTHING, every part of my life. There was no me, always us, since right from the start. But you were usually drunk and passed out snoring on the couch for most of my best years so far. I can understand how that must feel unfulfilling. Imagine how it made me feel.
I did make you a vow, and I never broke it. Every time I ever thought for real about breaking it, I wound up on my knees unable to do anything but forgive whatever asshole thing you did, and welcome you back unconditionally. All it ever took from you was "I'm sorry I fucked up, I will try to do better". Until the next time, which was always worse than the last time, until we wound up here, in a place I've never been before, and don't know how to handle. And, for the record, the last "forever" vow you made me WAS on paper, and it started and ended with "FUCK YOU YOUR FRIENDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN I AM". You tried to quit, and leave me holding a very big, very heavy, very unpleasant, bag I don't deserve.
I'm not trying to make you (or me) feel any worse. Obviously. This has fucked my head up in a way it has never been before. I need to finish my work, and get out of town and off the grid for a while to get my head straight. I know this is torture for you. It's torture for me as well. My future is every bit as up in the air as yours.
I have nothing left but what you have right now: Love, confusion, anger, sadness and regret.