So long personal post on an alt time!

It's a lack of insecurity, or at least it was for me. I didn't really notice my attractiveness that much - look in the mirror, nothing wrong, maybe feel a little bit good/confident but didn't impact my life a ton. I was never an extrovert type. I got asked out on dates by girls a few times which was an ego boost but I never accepted one because I was too shy and fearful.

Then when I started to get on and off acne I became increasingly self conscious. I picked at it and made it way worse many days, so I looked like some sort of animal attacked my face sometimes. Quit a job over a bad acne day once, and try to avoid obligations that involve future social interaction on the off chance I'll be having an ugly-face-day at that time.

Being so avoidant has cause other problems, I'm in worse shape and I drink more and so on, but OTOH when I don't worry about my face as much I pick at it less and it clears up. I worry if I go back to having a job and regularly being seen by people I will end up picking obsessively again and scar my face up. Basically my acne turned me into a hermit, which I'm kind of ashamed of - just not enough to outweigh the insecurity of having an ugly face in public.

I'm a dude though so I knew I'd made it a bigger issue than it should've been, the main thing is the insecurity from feeling unattractive can limit you more than the impact of your appearance - excluding extremes. I've seen a therapist and he was confused when I told him about my acne and how it affected me, having not noticed it. He mentioned body dysmorphia as a possibility though I doubt it.

Some attractive people have their own issues though, and some don't consider themselves attractive - body dysmorphia is more common among certain groups of people who put an abnormally high amount of effort into their physical appearance.

If I could go back to being attractive again - full time - it would be way more of a deal for me than it was when I'd never felt ugly before. But at this point it's an upward climb, I'd need to undo some damage my sedentary, reclusive lifestyle has done. I have stretch marks in a few places now that I'm as embarrassed about as my acne - maybe moreso as I can directly blame myself for them.