I'm about 8 months out of an 8-yr marriage with no kids. I'm 34/m, she's 33/f. She quit on me for a long while, and decided to leave me after I challenged her about how suspicious I found her going out with her 24 yr old coworker whom she had once made a sexual remark about. She admitted she could not guarantee me it would not be a date/affair, and it was over about then. At least she was honest lol.

Nonetheless, I think I felt the same vibe of an affair, the vibe of how little you matter to the person who mattered a lot to you. The last time I said goodbye I was devastated and in tears, she never once called to see how I was holding up. That is unreal after an 8-year marriage. Like I don't even get that, and a lot of thoughts have been trying to understand how this all happened and how I allowed it.

I was crushed for a long time, and only in the last 5-6 weeks have I enjoyed life again. I'm still fucked up, and about to start a support group even though I'm 8 months out.

The last while is giving me clarity about what needs to be next time.

I think the most important (series of) question(s) I'll always ask myself - and that I'm ready to enforce now that I've been burned badly by not doing so - is this: -Does she make me happier than I would be alone? Does she boost my confidence or bring me down? Does she enjoy doing things that she knows makes me smile?

If it's not the case, then it's like what's the point?

It seems so simple, but when you're with someone for that long you lose sight of that after a while. For me, I was like maybe if I tough out years of misery, she'll be a positive presence one day again. It never happened lol.

I think the question of the affair or the kids is actually secondary to whether you should stay. I think it's the fundamental, does this make me happy question.

And now she says she wants to work.

If she does the work, and puts a smile on your face again, and makes you feel like you matter again. Does your favorite things with you because she relishes the smile on your face, then it's worth working to fix it. (You have to do the same work, even though she fucked up more.)

You can trust her again if you see it, and you believe it's real. You're not going to cheat on someone you're laser focused on lifting the spirits of and doing fun bonding this with them. You're going to cheat on someone you're generally neglecting and taking for granted and are disinterested in.

You'll be able to feel if the work is real, and you have to trust how you feel. That is where rebuilding trust would come from.

I believe 90%+ of people are not capable of returning to this path, and meaning it, once they have fallen off of it badly enough to cheat. But some must be. Only you can know which one you see, and which one you see in yourself.