I was also diagnosed with depression at a very young age. It's been fourteen years, and I promise the battle is worth it. I attempted suicide for the first time nine years ago, and had many attempts until I spent six months in a wonderful hospital two years ago. I learned some wonderful coping skills- DBT skills, mindfulness practices, I even have a box of different suggestions I can do when I am feeling really low.

Life for everyone, even people who don't deal with depression, is a road with many peaks and valleys. Depression is so difficult, and I almost lost myself to it, but I am so grateful I am alive today. I'm glad to hear you say that you feel like maybe you can stop yourself. That tells me that maybe if there were a way for you to feel relief without having to die, you would do that. Relief looks different for everyone, but for me, the saying "pain shared is pain lessened" rings so true for me. An integral part of my recovery is having a community where I can be my honest self. Sometimes that just my regular barista at my coffee shop, often times it is in people I have met as a result of my recovery. Maybe you could ask your therapist about group therapy! I love group therapy.

This has been great for me to write, because I am just coming out of a three month fog of depression. That is a pretty long time for me these days (my depression used to last what felt like years, now it's just a couple weeks at a time, and much more rare- maybe every six months to a year). I call myself a "depressed optimist", because I know that when I get in the fog, I will always come out of it, the cycle continues, and I can always find something to be grateful about. I have a blog about all of this, and I don't want to keep ranting, so you can PM me if you want my blog info or if you want to talk more about how I stay afloat with long term depression. Really, what I really want to get across is that there is hope, and if you take it one day at a time, it wont feel so burdensome.