I really do appriciate reading all the comments and I feel like i should clarify some things.

Maybe some extra useful Information:

Me: I'm a child from a narcissistic and alcoholoc dad and a manipulative mother. My ex had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. My therapist has diagones me with, abandonment issues, anxiety disorder and a very unhealthy attachment style where my brain chooses one person. I often wieght my options, positives and negatives but as stupid as it soundns, I dont what a healthy relationship with people is and I dont know if I can trust myself.

My boyfriend has been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

Its not like I dont see what could be going on. It's not like im unaware and blinded by what is going on. I know very well what manipulation and gaslighting looks like. My therapist descibred it as being in a 'trauma bond'.

What I am asking is if there is anyone that has ever been in a similar situation, how I can find a way to find the strenght to trust in myself or even to believe that not every relationship has to be this way. How can I build myself up?

I hope this helps.