I’m sorry. Stutters are hard. My experience doesn’t involve combat or deployment, but I can relate a little. (I’m not going to tell you to see a therapist)
Mine got worse when my partner started impulsively interrupting me and finishing my sentences (every sentence I said to any person at all, since we were together in an apartment alone for months). Any time I felt like I had something to say, I got anxious. Even if they didn’t interrupt me, I’d stutter and stammer. It felt like I was physically bracing for it.
Even after long direct conversations about the effects of stuttering (I struggled to communicate with anyone at the worst of it and honestly still do), and an ultimatum that they stopped interrupting me or I’d leave because them worsening my condition was unacceptable, I still watch people’s mouths almost obsessively and keep my hands free so I can put them up in a “stop” gesture when I think someone is going to interrupt me.
I run conversations now. I don’t let people have space to speak. It sucks. I don’t know how to have a back and forth anymore. I’m terrified of getting bad again.
I really think that if I could find a way to diffuse the fear of stuttering or the fear of someone else interrupting me, I’d be a lot happier.
I see a therapist (who is wonderful, but I absolutely talk over her a lot now) and we’re working on CBT for other things right now but I really wonder if CBT could interrupt some of my fear around stuttering / getting interrupted. It’s about challenging harmful thought patterns (“I feel like I’m going to get interrupted or stutter” -> anxiety spikes -> stuttering happens -> the belief gets reinforced; but trying to find ways to diminish that belief might really help with the stuttering). I kinda want to try CBT for this particular issue by myself without my therapist using a workbook, because honestly I’m a little burnt out on therapy right now.
Do you ever talk to animals? I find that I can talk with my cat without feeling like my chest is on fire with anxiety. Even if I’m just telling them their breath stinks or non-sense conversations about how they should go make me dinner, it’s still a comfortable interaction that makes me feel safe with my voice.
If not that, what about singing? A roommate of mine had a paralyzed vocal cord for 6 months, and singing helped her so much as it slowly unparalyzed. It helped her feel comfortable with her voice again. Just singing alone with music while she cooked.
I wish I had better answers. I really hope you find better soon. You deserve to feel comfortable