I am so sorry. I wish I could have told you, I just didn't know how to tell you. I was so young and death is a monstrous idea, I couldn't grapple with at the time so I ran from it, and consequently you. Now years later I find myself in your shoes. I wonder if the people who have faded from my life, as I fade from life in general, will one day feel now as I do about you. In a perverse way I hope so. If I leave sad and angry at people why should they never know that frustration? If my life now is karma for my life then why shouldn't other people be charged the same price? I am paying it in respect to you plus interest.
The only solace I take now is that perhaps I am wrong about things and will be able to make amends with you, even if it's just a desperate hope that you can somehow read what I now write for you. I don't know if you can or if I just need to believe that you can, so I write in the hopes that in making my thoughts manifest on paper it adds some weight and permanence to them that will extend past the barrier time and nature have placed between us.
Now my brain is just screaming in my head because I've never known how to be loud when it was called for, obviously. Just know that your family is well. Your sister loves you so much still that I can see my situation only hurts her more. All the men in her life have been failures, even if it was through no fault of their own. Each of the purposes they either assigned themselves or the world chose for them have been left unfulfilled. I just hope as you read this you know, if it is any consolation, that the world has paid me back for the wrong I didn't even know I doing you. I hope you rest easy now. At least know live with enough regret to write nonsense in a blank book, if this is worthless then at least I have made a fool out of myself in front of no one but myself this time. If you can read this then you might be able to say hi to my dog for me. With him at least had learned my lesson and was honest insofar as I could be. Rest in peace. I wish I didn't have so many of these to write.