Please believe me when I say I'm not writing off your perspective. I am also not calling you a liar. When it comes to severe psychological phenomena like psychopathy and sadism it sometimes gets misdiagnosed especially when the person in question hasn't sought treatment for it - I don't know if you have or haven't. You could very well have these things. I'm a very skeptical person and I am not a professional. However, from now on I will take you at your word. I won't second guess your experience.
Thank you.
You do not have an objective view of yourself, however. No one has the capacity to be objective, especially about themself. We're bound to our perceptions and surely you would agree that you can not escape the seat behind your eyes. People hear stuff, see stuff, and rewrite memories on the fly to fit an expectation (memory consolidation) - it's why we do insanely stupid shit and then feel guilt or angry at how we've done something stupid. Our brain makes us feel conscious of our choices even though they may have been reactive. And these are average people with no psychological deviances. Adding your "taboo" behavior to the mix makes it even more difficult for you to be honest about how you feel, yes?
No. The fact is one can be objective about oneself. Telling someone "you can't have an objective view of yourself" is just another way to say* "Let me or someone else tell you how it is. It's about control. it's saying "you can't be right about yourself, you need (insert other person here) to tell you how it it."
and that's what it is, but peiople can see themselves objectively...
If I don't think my friend's legitimately schizophrenic brother is crazy then I wouldn't think a sadist is. Dangerous maybe, but not crazy.
there is the rub, though. see, i am dangerous. lethally so. and most of humanity would agree that when someone is a danger to everyone and has no "conscience" whatever that is, and what they can do, it's best for them to kill themselves before they rape or kill ro steal from someone.
So is your desire for suicide as a mere way of escaping potential punishment?
It depends on which personality you're talking about. The psychopath me isn't really suicidal, because it's narcissistic. It's not really all that capable of suicide.
The contructed, fake me that you're talking to, the one with empathy and a "conscience", is very suicidal, because (1) life is nothing but unrelenting pain, and has no purpose, and (2) if I live long enough, people will wish that i never existed because I'll do those things to people, and it doesn't really want that, but it doesn't care enough to try and stop it except via suicide.
The reason why I'm skeptical of how harsh you're making yourself out to be is that you expressed some very real compassion for people that are here. You're not trolling /r/suicidewatch for easy victims and you feel obligated to remove yourself lest you cause suffering - that's not sadism. You're not even being an asshole which takes a near angelic ability to achieve when behind the confines of the internet lol. You sound pissed off, and I don't blame you if you feel like people are ignoring your perspective. But you've been respectful, patient, and conversational. If people are sincerely "better off" without you, why would you care if you lack empathy for them? I'm not trying to bind you up here, I'm merely curious as to what your thoughts are
This is all off, and the next sentence is why.
You have this internal fight with two different perceptions of yourself.
It's not about "perceptions." there are literally two entirely differenet personalities in my head, near as I can tell. Or at least, two very divergent versions of the same one. As a result, this me can show empathy. It can be respectful. But it's dying.
f you think you're not depressed, then I won't make that assertion, but you have to understand that when someone is on the suicide watch subreddit expressing the desire to kill themself 99.9% of the time it's because they outwardly express being depressed. It affects half the freaking population for Christ's sake. I made an assumption but I can admit that I can indeed be wrong about you. Apologies.
I've been depressed. There's a fine but distinct difference between depressed and suicidal in some cases.
Thanks for being patient though. Sadist or not, I don't enjoy the idea that you are suffering for merely existing.
But the fact is, at the end of the day, if people were honest, they'd admit something. That if they knew in a year that I'd haved raped and killed ten people, or that i'd have stolen millions from their familes or destroyed their homes, or abused them or their best friend or sibling, then they'd say "Yes, he should have killed himself before he did all that."
Only one person has ever been honest with me about that, and it was here, when they said, "Yes, I wish my rapist had put a bullet in his head before he raped me, and if you know you're gong to hurt people, I'm going to have a hard time telling you not to kill yourself."
Only that one person was ever honest.