At some point in my relationship I became the LL (no longer the case), luckily my SO doesn't need to necessarily have sex (within reason) but I felt guilty that I essentially never wanted to have sex. A lot of it had to do with a combination of illness and hormone imbalance so it wasn't completely my fault. So one holiday I got him a flesh light. After the excitement subsided, he got a bit defensive in the same sense you did. I explained that yes, it in part had to do with my not wanting to have sex, but I ultimately got it because I still wanted to please him, even if it be in a less conventional way. I know that this isn't completely relevant to the actual point of your post, and I'm sorry for that, it just reminded me of the situation I had. Actually reading your post gave me insight on why he may have been defensive. It never crossed my mind that he may have felt that I was essentially saying go fuck yourself.

Anyway. It wasn't necessary for her to respond the way she did. Like the other person said, unfortunately these things rarely change/get fixed and with her attitude it seems like that's going to be the case. I'm sorry things are the way they are and that she's blatantly disregarding your needs.