I think you might have misread? When Lucas and I want time alone together, we do that in our bedroom. Whether it's gaming or watching a movie together. I have no desire to kick Sarah out of the lounge room or send her to her room.

There was one night where we didn't want time alone together, and we were happy to hang out downstairs with Sarah. We were playing a video game, and she was using her phone, this was totally fine. However the next day Sarah complained that she had felt uncomfortable and like she was intruding and wasn't welcome in the lounge room.

It's funny you mention guess and ask culture, because I think Sarah is from a guess culture. I have asked her to go to the grocery store, and she has agreed to and then just not done it... That's classic guess culture, not being able to say no and just avoiding doing stuff.

I explained about the chore app when she moved in, and then again when she offered to do chores. She chose to go up to her room rather than doing chores when asked. Avoidance rather than saying no or setting a boundary.

I asked her directly about doing shared chores, and only then did she say she doesn't think it's her responsibility because the kids make most of the mess. For weeks she's chosen to not do chores, even when asked, because she doesn't want to, but chose not to express or discuss that.

It is really difficult being someone who usually is just upfront and asks, living with someone who won't say no if you ask, and will just avoid, and then be grumpy about having been asked (or grumpy about some other thing, like a creaky bed). Also knowing that Sarah won't ask if she needs space or wants anything, so I'm always checking in and offering.

A couple of week ago Lucas and I were talking about how often each of us cooks, because I wanted him to cook more on weekends. ("I'm feeling exhausted from cooking every day, can you cook more on weekends." "I was going to cook on X day, but you were already in the kitchen." "I remember that, you came down at 5pm. You can't start cooking so late, it takes longer to cook than you think, I want you to plan some meals in advance and allow enough time to make them.") When we talk about that kind of stuff we're straight about it and don't soften things, but we're not aggressive or angry either.

Sarah was upset that we'd had that conversation in the kitchen, we weren't yelling or angry, literally just discussing logistics, but she thought it was really rude of us. She didn't say anything, just looked uncomfortable. I asked if she was ok and she said she was fine, but obviously wasn't. So I asked if she'd felt uncomfortable that Lucas and I had that conversation, and then she said it was rude that we talked "like that" when she was around.

Another time Sarah left oats in the sink, and Lucas said that bothered him. After he left the room Sarah said she was shocked by how "rude" it was of Lucas to say that. I don't really think asking someone to not leave oats in the sink is rude, maybe Lucas could have been softer than just saying "Hey Sarah can you not leave food scraps in the sink."

I appreciate your suggestion of drawing up a meal and chore roster for her, and I think if we had to live together long term that would be a brilliant solution. The reality though is that this isn't long-term and Sarah can go home anytime.

I think that the disparity in cultures is why I'm so apprehensive about exactly how I ask her to leave. Since she gets upset/offended, but doesn't talk about it unless I guess, I don't know how to be direct when she's avoidant.