I arrived in Hell on a Monday. At least, I think it was a Monday. My watch, which I had faithfully wore every day when I was alive, didn't make the trip with me. Neither, to my great dismay, had my clothes, so I stood at the edge of a river of fire completely nude, as did the seemingly endless line of people to my left and right. Sure feels like a Monday, I thought to myself.
After what felt like an eternity of waiting, and perhaps it was, we were all simultaneously cast into the river. There was no burning sensation or melting flesh, although, as you might expect happens when scores of people are cast into lava, there was a great deal of screaming. Almost everyone was yelling, pleading, or cursing at the top of their lungs. Some people attempted to do all three, begging for mercy with a generous amount of obscenities thrown in and screams used where normal breaks in speech would occur. One peculiar fellow, who was rather frail and pale, seemed rather peaceful. He was in a fetal position, his legs tucked into his torso and his arms stretched above him, as if he was holding something precious, and seemed to be completely oblivious to the ongoing events.
After a time, perhaps another eternity, we started to sink deeper into the lava. The screaming, which to my great relief had largely died out, now resumed. As we sank deeper, some simply stopped, and appeared to be stuck. While they could move about horizontally, they could neither ascend or descend. The rest of us were pulled deeper.
The first to disappear was a middle-aged man, face wrinkled and a head, that I would guess, once held graying hair. He had not been one of the screamers, which is why I was disappointed when he left us. The second was a young lady, no older than twenty-five, who had stopped screaming shortly after we were cast into the river, and had since occupied her time observing genitals and touching herself. The third and fourth ones that I witnessed disappear had been in the middle of a fierce and physical love making session.
Shortly thereafter, a rather large man nearby had vanished. He had given up screaming earlier, likely due to a lack of energy. Following his disappearance, several others with the same body type vanished, as well as some who seemed to be in somewhat good shape.
Among the next to leave was the pale fellow, who I now noticed had been muttering to himself, although the still constant screaming around me made it impossible to hear him.
I had had my eyes closed for some time following the frail mans disappearance, and only reopened them when I realized it had become significantly quieter. Indeed, upon observation, many of those who had screamed and cursed the entire time were now gone, although it was quite likely that they were still screaming.
It was at this point that I recognized one of the people sinking nearby. In life, he was a well known scientist who had held strong beliefs that greatly conflicted with what were accepted truths, and as such, was ridiculed and defamed by his fellow scientists who did not agree with him. I did not know him personally, and was not upset when he too vanished.
I began to contemplate my own fate when the lava around me started to vanish and was replaced by a green meadow, which was populated by a variety of trees. This is certainly a pleasant change, I thought. Just then, I saw what I had thought to be a rather large bird swoop down into a nearby tree and began to tear out branches. To my great surprise, the tree began to scream, and odder yet, began pleading with the bird. "Shut up," the bird screamed back to the tree in a very unpleasant voice. "Shut up, shut up, shut up. You slit your wrists, now I'll slit your bark!" The bird dug its talons into the tree trunk, which caused the tree to scream even louder. As I was working out what was happening, another of the large birds landed in front of me. It had the head, torso, and legs of a woman. Large wings, however, were attached where the arms should have been, and a tail grew out of its backside. The feet had the same large talons as the other bird.
"Like what you see?" the harpy asked with the same unpleasant voice as the other. "Don't worry, you'll get yours too!" I immediately attempted to turn and run, only to find that my feet were, quite literally, rooted to the spot. The harpy must have realized my intention and let out a cold laugh. It advanced on me, not more than five feet away when I screamed. "Why am I here? What did I do?" I pleaded.
"Suicide!" the harpy replied, almost mockingly.
"I didn't kill myself!" I argued. "I was shot!" The harpy immediately stopped its advance and appeared to be looking me over, perhaps trying to determine if I was lying or not.
"We'll see about that!" the shrill voice yelled. The next moment, I heard a small pop, followed by a wisp of red smoke. Out of nowhere, an imp materialized in front of me. It was short, perhaps only three feet tall, and completely naked, but had no genitals, nipples, or navel. Small horns adorned its head, and its flesh was a reddish color. A tail protruded from its backside, but was otherwise not too different from a human.
"What's the issue here?" the imp called out in a small voice.
"This one says it doesn't belong here!" the harpy answered.
"When has anyone admitted that they deserve to be here?" the imp quipped.
"Its not lying! Not this one!" my would-be torturer retorted.
"Well, you harpies have a knack for knowing this," the imp muttered. Whether it was sarcasm or not, I couldn't tell, but was relieved to, at the least, postpone the punishment that was now being carried out on every other tree. "Let's take a look then." A device, which I could only describe as a tablet, appeared in the imps hands. It glanced it over for a moment before turning back to me. "According to this, you shot and killed yourself."
"No, I didn't! Someone else shot me!" I pleaded.
"Who was it then, a one-armed man?" the imp inquired with a definite tone of sarcasm in its voice.
"I don't know who!" I said. "I'm a police officer and-"
"Were, my sweet, were!" the harpy interrupted.
"I was a police officer," I corrected myself, "and was in a struggle for my gun with a perp when it went off!"
The imp looked back at its tablet. "That may be possible," it said without looking up. "You'll have to take it up with the complaint department. They'll decide if you're lying or not." At that moment, I felt my body relax a great deal. I looked down to see my legs transform from a single, thick trunk, back into two fleshy limbs. When I looked back up, the trees, meadow, and, to my delight, harpies had disappeared, but was replaced by something I was not ready to see. Before me lay what must have been the longest queue I had ever witnessed. It snaked its way around rocks and pools of lava and finally ended at a counter where a single imp stood behind it. A sign was hung from two of the larger rocks on either side of this desk that read "Customer Service- Complaints Division". Not knowing what else to do, I joined the queue.
Time must not have been passing here. If it was, in the duration I had waited, the universe would have undoubtedly collapsed upon itself and expanded again. I had finally reached the front of the line, and was called to the counter. I approached the imp who, unlike the one I encountered earlier, was dressed. It wore a blue t-shirt and khaki pants. An electric fan blew air directly at it, and a poster hung behind it that read "All agents are trained by Comcast Customer Support". It looked at me and without waiting to be prompted, plead my case.
"I was a police officer," I stated. "I had witnessed a man display erratic behavior and approached him for questioning. I approached him from behind, placed a hand on his shoulder, and asked him if he was feeling alright. Without warning, he spun around and punched me in the face, sending me to the ground. He immediately went for my gun, and attempted to remove it from the holster." I paused for a moment. The imp didn't say anything, instead staring at me intently, as if it was taking in every word. "I wasn't knocked out," I continued, "and I reacted on instinct when he went for my sidearm. I punched him in the gut, but he had unclasped the weapon and was drawing it from the holster. My punch caused him to double over, but he held on to the gun. I sprang to my feet and attempted to take it from him. He held on tightly, and we struggled, eventually falling to the floor. That's the last thing I remember. I didn't kill myself."
The imp stared at me for a few seconds after I finished. Finally it said, "you are correct. While you rambled on, I reviewed the video of your death. The discharge of your weapon was accidental and your are acquitted of the suicide charge." I let out an audible sigh of relief. "In light of this, your sentence will be adjusted. Good day." I opened my mouth to ask what my new sentence was when everything around me disappeared and found myself standing in a row next to people who were completely nude, waiting in front of a river of fire. Definitely a Monday, I thought.