3. [WP] You're scared of me, I know, but can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I'm sca...

[WP] You're scared of me, I know, but can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I'm scared of me too.

I'll never forget the last conversation I had with my husband before he left us. We sat in silence for hours, just as we had for months. He was struggling with a battle I never understood. He was so closed off, scared to let anyone know he was suffering. I could tell by the look in his eyes that night that something was wrong. But nothing could have prepared me for what was coming...

"You're scared of me, I know." He said quietly, as if to muster the strength to speak. "But can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I'm scared of me too. You think you've seen me at my worst. But I promise you, my love, you've barely scratched the surface."

I tried to stop him, but he spoke over me as if it was a recorded message.

"You've seen me break down and cry, you've seen my bad habits take over, fire burning in my eyes as I yell, fists clenched tighter than a hangman's noose. You've seen me lose control of my emotions, unable to hold back the hate filled, disgusting rage that occupies my mind. But that's all, a few strong words and minor physical reactions to them. But to see what I have seen, to feel what I feel, every single day, is maddening. The borderline psychopathic thoughts that fill my head, seemingly for no reason, terrify me beyond explanation. Things no normal man would consider. My dreams are haunted by torturous images, an ocean of blood with islands formed by bodies. I've walked past a person and had the urge to throw them into traffic. A complete stranger, someone I've never met and would never see again. Simply because I have the power to. A burning desire to make everyone who's ever wronged me suffer 10 times what they've done to me. But that's not the worst of it. I know these things to be wrong, I know them to be morally reprehensible and disgusting. But what scares me the most? This life we live, the world in which we are surrounded challenges me every day, and every day I'm given a hundred reasons to follow through. I wish not to be that person. I want to live, be happy and free. But as soon as the silent screams inside my mind start, it's almost as if I am a spectator to my own life, and I fear I will lose control over what I'm doing. I've battled those screams for so many years, and have always won the fight, buried them deep enough my mind no longer acknowledged them. But lately they've returned. Though silent they deafen me. Without words they command me, and for split seconds I obey. It's why I tell you to forget me, move on with your life. Not because I don't love you, but because I love you so much I can't let you be in harms way. Maybe I'll maintain, be safe forever and never actually break. But maybe I'll lose grip, for more than that split second, and you'll be in my sights when I do."

As he finished speaking, I could feel how pale I was. I was shaken by his words as I knew them to be true.

"I know you'd nev-" He cut me off before I could finish speaking

"I love you, more than words could describe. These years I've shared with you have been some of the happiest I've ever experienced in my short time on this Earth. But this life I've lived has taken it's toll, and left me bankrupt."

Without saying another word, he got up from his place on the couch, put on his coat and walked out the door. He left everything behind, his phone, his wallet, he didn't even put on his hat. He just walked away crying silently. I wanted so desperately to stop him, but knew I had to let him walk away. I knew he would come home after he settled down, he always did.

That was 9 years ago. 9 years, and I'll never forget the night his silent screams finally broke him down. Wherever in the world you are Sunshine, I hope you've found your peace.

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