17 years later is where I'm at with a man just like your bf. It escalated to physical violence after a few years. The "jokes" to ruin my self esteem got worse, the guilt trips, blame, and anger got worse to where I cant even ask him to vacuum the floor while I'm busy without it turning into a 4 hour long argument about how horrible I am. The next day he always repentant, so very sorry, crying, remorseful, promising to change, to do better, cant remember what he did etc. Its always the same lines over and over again. After 17 years its became obvious they are rehearsed and aren't meant to mean anything. They are just a tool to get me to come back.
He refuses to work, study, get a career, do housework etc. Forcing him to do something results in huge fights, anger and cruel words. He is 38 years old with no career, minimum wage job he quits whenever he feels like it and no university qualifications. He was 21 when we met. He takes his bad moods at not being able to buy what he wants out on me. He makes me feel guilty for buying even the smallest of things. He was jealous if I saved up to buy myself a new computer and demands his own. He throws a temper tantrum if I tell him to take my old one (he only uses the internet/word/small games). Its now at a point with his minimum wage/not working and my disability pension that I can hardly buy food.
He constantly has emotional affairs with women at work who are engaged (at least 6 I can remember). They don't get physical and cut it off as soon as they get married. The past year though was spent having a physical affair with an unmarried woman, setting her up as an ideal friend for me where all of my friends were never good enough. He manipulated/belittled me into believing she was lonely and a little crazy any time red flags came up. He bought my birthday present with her, he celebrated our anniversary with her at the same dinner table with us. And when I worked it all out he spend 2 months yelling, lying, manipulating me into believing he had told me everything that happened or he didn't remember. I still don't know everything as Ive run out of proof. There is probably another girl half his age at work but I have no proof yet.
Sex was always a huge problem. When I was 17 he would pick me up from school, take me to his flat for sex and if i refused he would become angry, aggressive, yell at me for wasting his time so i would put out to make him happy. The temper tantrums over sex kept going for 12 years. He knew I had been raped as a kid btw. It didn't stop him from asking for anal sex (uncomfortable for me, done it probably 4 times all after a massive fights), while still lying to me saying he never got physical with the girl and telling me how much he loved me.
He lied to me, treated me like trash, ignored me, was verbally aggressive, distant when it didn't work or super apologetic to get me back, cries, buys me everything we have fought about, makes huge promises to change. Its always about pushing me to breaking point, destroying my self esteem, blaming me, making me feel guilty/crazy and twisting everything to make him the innocent victim and me the bad guy.
Why I haven't left is because of the huge amount of the same abuse I suffered as a kid made me think this was normal. My family told me I should be grateful for him despite what he was doing. They sided with him over the affair. His friends sided with him. I have no friends, no family no drivers license (the abuse when he would try to teach me...fuck!). He wanted to live 30km from public transport with no neighbors in the mountains where it would take me days to hike out. He wanted manual cars I struggle to learn to drive. He always pointed out how I wouldn't cope without him as I'm too mentally ill and would fall apart. I don't get enough from my disability pension to rent a house and no-one would rent to someone with cats (my only support right now, i cant lose them).
And now I'm here so mentally ill on a disability pension. I have no future man who will treat me right, I have none of the happy fairy tale shit people always use to make people feel better about leaving a bad relationship. I have this. You don't want this...
TL;DR Get out now. Get your family and friends to protect you. Stay with them. Use the police if he makes threats or physically hurts you. Don't be alone, don't think he will change, don't go back ever. He will destroy you as a person. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. I'm having an atrocious time leaving right now (yes I am and I will be ok) and its taking everything I've got to do it.