some people don't have to create the meaning, it's just there or they've always known.

I'm glad for them. i can't have that though. have tried. doesn't really seem to work.

can you expand on the other reasons (I don't want to bother you, but I want you to be safe).

it's not worth the time. i'm not in immediate danger, so don't worry yourself.

I don't want to be a contrarian, but words are a good example of things that are imbued with meaning, and the meaning is definitely real, otherwise we couldn't be having this conversation/you wouldn't be able to think in language.

meaning in language isn't the same thing as meaning in life.

Though sometimes unbearable, I do think life has intrinsic meaning.

i'm glad for you. don't have that though.

This is not a judgmental or blaming statement, just a factual consideration that alcohol is a depressant

Understand that when medical professionals say "alcohol is a depressant", they aren't referring to depression. They're referring to the fact that alcohol depresses the activity of the Central Nervous System....that's what causes you to stop breathing if you drink way too much....the body's nervous system is depressed (or lowered) so much that even involuntary reflexes like breathing can't function.

The phrase "alcohol is a depressant" actually has nothing to do with mental "depression." This is a common misconception, and is commonly used by people who don't understand this to point out that "alcohol is only making you worse, and if you would stop drinking, you wouldn't be so depressed."

There are a lot of people who also think that alcohol amplifies or causes depression; however, it's almost pure conjecture. In some cases alcohol can worsen or cause depression, but in many, the depression (or in my case, suicidal thoughts, not so much depression) has existed for many years without alcohol.

That's the case with me. I'm suicidal more often than I'm depressed, and have suicidal desires and thoughts even when I'm not depressed. But I had those thoughts and feelings, and even occasional depression, for years and years before I drank a drop. Truth be told, alcohol has actually helped. It's the only reason I'm currently alive.

I went off a bit there, but too many people don't understand that basic terminology doesn't refer to emotional depression, but the physical acute depression of the nervous system.

Is there anything at all you could hear, do, see, or feel that would make life enjoyable?

Not enough to justify living.

If you could just magically change your life into being ideal what would it look like?

A long time ago i realized that even if i had a "perfect life", with all my desires and dreams and fantasies, i wouldn't be any less suicidal.