How did you see this? I figured I was downvoted so far that guy I responded to would be the only one who could see it.

I dunno bro :( I don't even know who I am right now. I'm feeling pretty confused to be honest lol. I have one of those feelings where my whole self has been shaken up and I can't rest until I have figured out what is wrong so that I can rest again.

Like why did I say that originally? Like, because I could have said or not said it just as easily. I can choose both paths. And if I didn't, I wouldn't be feeling the way I do now. So that makes me feel like it didn't matter that I did. Because overall I feel like there are interesting reasons for doing either. But all of you seem to have this repulsion to one.

I forget that some of you don't think the way I do. I am more suspicious of my reality. For all I know, this could be anyone. It might not even be a girl. It could be a dude trying to create a reddit account with a ton of karma to get q job as a marketer at a startup. I actually know a guy like this lol.

So I say what I want online. I treat it like a playground. I say things to accomplish things within myself. If you are freer to do things you grow in more interesting, more complete ways. That's why I used to hang out in Second Life. I could try things that were really fucking fun.

This is reminding me of when I used to seek trauma. I used to kind of look at it as my form of self harm. I would intentionally put myself into situations that woukd make me somehow shocked and damaged, and I'd force rapid regrowth.

Lol I feel like I'm just pretending right now, so I'm going to stop. All that was some type of performance, doesn't it feel like? Like it all had something to prove.

No seriously though man I feel like people hate me. Like the whole world deserves to. And what would you do if you felt like that? In whatever point you may be feeling like that, would you ever want to wonder what it was like to deserve hate from others? Like, you start to dislike feeling hated so much, that even though all you have figured out how to feel so far otherwise is how to deserve to be hated. At least that is some relief from the pain, a small step up, a rung in between two moral ladders.

But then you try to deserve to be liked. But by this point, since you have admitted that you have been willing to be hateful to others to relieve pain in yourself, you begin to believe you are simply manipulative. You know how to please and you know hoelw to displease.
At this point you realize there is free choice in either, it just has to do with what feels best at that point. You still look at consequences, but you judg them freely.

I've got better things to do right now sorry ima go listen to music and draw or something bro. Dude I wanna make movies. Ther be cool. Right now shit. I've got an idea. Ok man peace love you :) seriously though bro you're a good guy thanks for coming in and talking to me. I feel like the people who are still nice to me are only going to be like thqt for a little bit because soon they'll find out I'm horrible and I feel like thqt because of this series of discussions that I brought into motion. Do I need to do something to feel good again? Is this why people have an innate ability to believe that they must balance evil with good? Because otherwisr they feel unworthy? Am I just trying to prove to myself thqt I do not believe it is n3cessqry to bakqnce good with evil? I like ti disokve the two and allow pure aesthetics, so to speak, to guide the directions as if morality didn't exist?

Do I think that I deserve to be limitedin thqt regqrd? No. That is why I want to make movies. They're going to be awesome.