It's like he wants me to be submissive, which I wouldn't mind, but when I mention S&M and if he has a rape fantasy? He will burst into tears. His reaction is I don't want to rape you, I want make you feel good.

That's a basic misunderstanding of what BDSM is. As a submissive, trust me, being hit/spanked/flogged/whatever does hurt but in a different way. Like yes your body registers pain, but it also releases hormones that make the submissive feel amazing. My husband has trouble with this idea, also, though for less traumatic reasons. If you are actually interested in BDSM, I have some ideas for you to consider. Just let me know if you want to talk about it.

From your description, it does sound like his control issues could be related to BDSM, but because of the stigma associated with BDSM (they're freaks, it's abnormal, they're really just rapists, etc) he may be self hating his own desires.

I do not get the rape fantasy, but I'm still into BDSM. A lot of people don't understand that it's a huge umbrella term. It's not all black leather and whips, I promise. Every relationship is different, and even more so in a BDSM relationship. There is so much that goes into it, not just S&M.

I'll not go off on the rant of BDSM I originally wrote, because ultimately it's unhelpful to the current discussion. However, I would encourage both of you to read this article on how sexual education ought to happen and have a discussion about your thoughts on the matter. At the end of the day, you both are putting a lot of pressure on one another to meet your own ideas of what sex ought to be. The article talks about ideas to take off some of the pressure.