So there are things in life that just don't make sense. There are things that make "sense" but we as humans have really only touched the surface.

And then there is life itself.

We are the only sentient beings in the universe (as far as we know for sure). This means that we face a ridiculously unique problem. Consciousness, and the inherent ability to ridicule everything including our own existence.

Notice how I use "problem", and "ability" in talking about sentience. That's because it is simply both, a curse and a blessing.

Sometimes I look at Katara (my beautiful Australian Shepard) and think, "why can't I be as happy as you".

Other times, I sit in lonely peace, pondering about life's consequential nature. It is this way because everything we do has a causational effect in the future. Hence why I sit in solemness trying to stop the train of regrets and mistakes I've made in life from going off the rails and blowing up (psych ward type stuff). But, I push on hoping that some day the grass really will be greener on the other side, and I'll come to know happiness and tranquility as my future self.

I know this can just not be enough sometimes and escape seems tempting. However I encourage you to think about the causality of that permanent action. The fact that we're sentient allows us to consider our actions. Once you end your life you also end your consciousness and everything that may be good with it. You will no longer have the ability to rationalise or think. However maybe that is a blessing, at least in my case it would be. I was close if not if the same position as you a year ago.

So if you've been reading this, but not really understanding or caring about what I'm saying I will now make it clear for you.

Over the past few months I've realised that life is truly a blessing by the unseen powers that be. Whether a cosmic act of randomness, or an intelligently designed orchestration it's beautiful either way. Go outside more, sit by a beautiful lake amd have lunch, or read a book by a creek. Start thinking about the positives instead of the negatives. Enjoy the small things you normally take for granted. Make a list of everything that causes you to be happy, then do those things. If there is nothing on that list or its very small, think of topics you like and activites that are related.

Depression is a curious mentality. It's a very solemn existence, but also an opportunity. During these times in which you feel low, you are at your worst. Less sleep, maybe more sleep, socially inadequate, horrific thoughts, and just a general bad outlook on most things. Use this time right now, to discover yourself, and what makes you feel this way. When you start discovering these things you will in turn discover a purpose for your life. This purpose will be what makes you happy and will help you to lead a good life. By discovering what makes you feel depressed and suicidal you will unlock the greatest gift in humanity. You will have truly come to terms with your identity and inner thoughts, and not many people ever find this.

Why do you think monks spend their entire life meditating alone? They are thinking, thinking, thinking, using that graciously or randomly bestowed conscious brain of theirs to understand their place in the world and ponder existence.

Once you understand yourself, you will understand a general meaning for your life and existence. You will see that absolutely everyone in this life can make a lasting impression on the world and future humanity as a result. Humans are indefinitely social creatures, but maybe you see this as irrelevant and are just not interested. That's totally understandable considering the ignorance as a whole in our society.

If this is the case find what you can do to change this, find a reason for pushing forward and changing the world or people for the better. Or maybe find better people whos company you enjoy and forget about the toxic people in your life.

If you're stuck on past mistakes, you're making another one right now. Quit contemplating things you no longer have control over and control your future actions. Stop letting your subconscious use your body as a puppet. Understand that purpose and significance doesn't have to come immediately. Use your mistakes as a lesson and learn from them.

Find yourself, and you will find what you love.

Good luck my friend.