Hi, this is unsolicited so take it with a grain of salt, but as someone who works with vulnerable people I wanted to let you know that you're showing a lot of red flags for depression and/or general anxiety. There are thinking patterns in your post here (for instance, mindreading and negative bias ) that CBT (or just therapy, generally) could really help you look at and interrogate in your day-to-day life, and I think it could improve your situation. Sorry if this doesn't come to you at a time where you can access that sort of healthcare, or at a time where you think it's rude/pointless of me to suggest it. Best of luck going forward and gaining health/happiness for your life, man!