Edit after writing*: I do not expect you to read this bullshit, I am just too afraid to delete it, as it is currently giving me a nice chemical release...and this sentence makes 10x
You are right, I have to work on it and stay active. I try scrimping and saving, and will often be successful, but then one thing goes wrong and I start spiraling out of control and before I know it all of the money is gone. It's like the problems stack. Everything will be perfect usually for about 2-5 weeks, then someone antagonizes me on the road. It bothers me, but I still continue my positive routine. Then something that would not usually bother me happens, like a table leg breaking. I'll notice an unusual swelling of anger, but hold it in. Then my boss has a bad day and takes it out on me. I go back to my office and steam about it for the rest of the afternoon. When I get home, I think, "well, it's okay if I fall asleep early, because I am really stressed out," but that often ends my established sleep cycle. when I get stressed I sleep more than usual, and will sleep from the time I get home from work until it's time to wake up to go back to work. Then I can tell I'm not feeling well, but what am I supposed to do? I can't let it out on my co-workers. I just want to be left alone for the day, but the nature of my job does not allow that. Someone complains about something I consider mundane (I do not respect the kind of work I do, as I consider it pretty trivial), and then someone rides my ass on the drive home from work. At that point I might punch the steering wheel, not realizing I did it until after my hand is bleeding. Then I start laughing about it, go home and watch some tv show or play a video game. I do not stop watching/playing until well after midnight, further fucking up my schedule. Then I'm tired at work, running a little late because the alarm did not wake me up (which is something I used to never do and makes me feel ashamed of myself). Regular work things happen, little things that do not usually bother me, but at that point everything just pushes me further. Then my mother calls and tells me some gossip about other people in my family, but I don't want to hear it and I know she will end up spreading whatever I mention to her. I'll kind of let her know that I am stressed out, venting about some mundane problem with a coworker. I'll see my sister at the store and she'll tell me that my mother was talking shit about my coworker, which was not my intent at all. I feel embarrassed for mentioning it in the first place and continuously apologize to my sister, afraid she'll think I'm an asshole and that I talk about others behind their backs...and no matter how much she assures me that she believes me, I am in no mood to hear it. I am already in a state of extreme self-loathing, but hate myself for being so selfish and thinking my problems are actually serious. At this point I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it, as I know I am just acting like an idiot and need to grow up. I'll try to reset the schedule and the saving and the scrimping, but it quickly falls apart. I cannot sleep, I stay awake trying to make myself feel better. I buy some weed and some alcohol just so I can feel good and quiet my mind, and it works, but my mind is still there. I get kind of desperate and want to talk to someone, so I'll reactivate my old WoW account and sit inside of Stormwind reading general chat. I never had any friends in the game, and I try to add to the conversation, whatever it is, but nobody really responds to what I am saying. I start feeling guilty about spending the $15 to reactivate on something that is not working. All this time I stop cooking and start ordering food from the Chinese/Japanese/pizza/local cuisine spot, but I think it's just a reward for having a shitty day...but then it starts happening every night. My once proud budget starts to fill with restaurant names and then I get too embarrassed to read my bank statement. I get really self-critical and convince myself that something has got to change...I'm not going to be 22 forever, but then I am 24, or is it 25? 26? Is it too late to sign up for those classes I wanted to take? Yes, college does not start accepting applications for three months. Oh well, I can manage. Then I hit a deer, or a tire runs out of air, or the AC in the house breaks, or I discover termites, or the bed frame breaks, or my computer crashes. It is ALWAYS something. All this time I just want to air out my thoughts, but there is no one there to hear. I want some physical contact, but there is no one there to hug. The only people I am in contact with are my coworkers, and I cannot talk to them. They are already trying to convert me "to Christ." That conversation always leaves them upset with me, calling me immature and telling me I have a lot of growing up to do...and at this point I try to contact my friend. My one friend. I call, instant voicemail. I text, she responds 13 hours later with a sarcastic comment, or starts talking about how bad her problems are with her mother and that her childhood was worst than mine. She'll then start talking about her boyfriend, her friends, or her coworkers, and treat me like a child because she works more hours than I do. I have nothing to complain about, just grow up. I am trying to...I always think of myself as a kind-of adult, but the brow bashing kills me. Then I'm skipping sleep for late night drives listening to music. Not just any music, though, because I have lost the taste for my usual music. I try to listen to music that usually makes me happy, but I do not hear it, it's just noise in the background. I trying singing along, but feel nothing. I find music that helps me feel...anything, but it's kind of sad. Not really sad, but sad enough. I get locked into the beat and my mind feels free. I get back home, planning to sleep, but realizing it's 5:30 in the morning and I have to get ready for work in an hour. I sleep anyways, sleeping until 8:30...already 30 minutes late. I skip the shower and grab the clothes I have not washed in two weeks. I do not realize the lingering smell until I am at work 40 minutes later. I feel extremely embarrassed and avoid everyone, ashamed of myself. I go to the store and buy a completely new work outfit, but at that point the bank account is at a critical low. I wonder if I will be able to finish off the month on what I have left. Oh well, that's what I have a credit card for, right? Emergencies. This is an emergency, I have to get to work in the morning. I try cooking, but when I go to the store I end up stopping at name a corporate fast food place and just return home with my shitty meal. The dirty dishes are already stacked, and my day was too stressful to have to clean dishes. The smell makes me avoid the rest of the house and I lock myself in my room. I don't open the blinds, the weekend flies by like it never existed and I feel like I am only conscious at work. I never feel like I left, I'm just sitting at my bench, staring at the tools. My work has already fallen behind, but I make up excuses and tell my coworkers that things just have not shipped. Someone figures it out and calls me out on it. At this point I'm not even socializing at work, I'm just lying in my car at the park during lunch, trying to fall asleep. I never do, and I am usually overly aware of the other people near my vehicle. I go home, but I have no interest in any of the tv shows, the game saves are all old and I forget which part of the game I am in. The WoW subscription renews itself, but I have not logged in for a month. All I can do is refresh reddit, hoping to laugh at something...but I usually just get annoyed at circle-jerks and trolling, things that I tend of overlook. The music is always on, playing way too loud, but I do not hear it. It's just beating into my brain, helping me feel like a human. The end of the month is 5 days away, but I spend my last $50 on weed. I feel good, watch a movie, and sleep. I wake up for work feeling the remnants of the night before, feeling ashamed for spending my last $50. How am I supposed to eat for the rest of the week? Oh! The credit card still has $15 left! I think I can stretch it, but I always go over the credit limit. The first day of the month comes and I feel like I can start over, but I can treat myself once, right? Just a good meal, some weed, and a nice movie. I get a nice dopamine rush and start to feel better. Everything is okay, I can do this. The frustration starts to freeze over and I start feeling better. I tell everyone I'm feeling great, and I convince myself that I am fine. It does not take a lot to shatter the illusion, but if I can make it a week like that, I'm back to normal. I can restart the saving and the proper lifestyle I know I should have. I start sleeping proper hours and start to cook at home. I do the dishes, clean the house, wash my clothes, clean out the car, and I feel great! Music is fantastic and I start reading again. I am able to rekindle my usual interests and everything is good...until someone antagonizes me on the road.
I hope the hobby thing is common, because it usually makes me feel shitty, ha. I do like to read, especially something that I can immerse myself in. The last book I read was Emma by Jane Austen. Not bad.
I do not expect you to read that...I don't know what came over me, but I kind of feel better right now and I am afraid that if I delete it I will lose whatever it is giving me. I don't even want to read it, it's just...I'll start "correcting" things and removing things that embarrass me...then I'll delete the entire post. I'm just going to edit the top adding that...understanding.
You know, you are a good person. You and Nainma and all of the other people who respond to the other people up here. I mean, I don't know you guys...but you all are willing to talk to people who are kind of fucked. Thank you for that. I'm going to bed.