This is the best reply that I have ever seen to this sort of situation. DBT you have really set out how men think in these situations, and what the OP can do to attempt to remedy the situation.
This is exactly how I feel at the moment, but my wife has still not realised, or does not want to understand, that things have really changed in our relationship. After years and years of knock back after knock back, I finally realised that my wife really had no interest, and the duty or starfish sex was just to keep me a somewhat happy. When this really sunk in, it was like I had hit a brick wall and I just no longer wanted to initiate. This was to protect my emotions as the continual rejection had just beat down my emotions so much that I no longer trusted her to care about me.
We have been in a dead bed spiral downwards for some 18 months now and my wife clearly knows that something has changed, and she has occasionally hinted that she would like more sex, but I just no longer care. As DBT say's, I cannot trust her enough with my emotions to care anymore, I would prefer to masterbate as I know that will work. She has also mentioned a few times that she would prefer that I do not masterbate so that we could have sex again, but I just do not trust her enough.
One time both our daughters were away on sleepovers and she was waiting for me at home wearing lingerie as a surprise, I was pleasantly surprised but I was so resentful that I almost asked her who she was dressed up for. I know that if I had said that, that she would never ever have done that for me again. We had some fun which was great, but it still cannot overcome the years of knockbacks'
"When he stops initiating, he may have associated initiating with rejection. This is bad. You have to retrain his brain that asking doesn't equal rejection. You didn't break him overnight, so you ain't fixing it overnight."
"There's a loss of trust, loss of attraction and a loss of hope."
"This may be a new normal, unfortunately. You wounded him. Wounds leave scars. It might be something you have to deal with from time to time. I thought this would be easy. I thought we could just start having sex again. I was wrong. Yup. You have to rebuild the trust and assure him you're not duping him."
It will take a lot of initiating on my wife's part before I can start to trust her with my emotions, and what really worries me is that I am not so sure that I care.
If turkeyonrye's partner is at this stage it is a long way back, BUT you have recognised that their is a problem and you are attempting to do something about it. My best wishes to you and success in what you are trying to achieve.