I read somewhere that the sex being good with abusers isn’t actually because the technical execution or components (size, technique, etc.) were amazing and good as both of those things could be mediocre or average or not even that great BUT because they put us through such intense emotional lows that the sexual gratification we get from them gives us an extreme chemical spike in our brain and that’s why it feels amazing. The only positive physical gratification we get from them will obviously make the intense emotional vicissitudes we experience with them that much more extreme. So with this in mind it’s caused me to reflect and realize that the sex actually wasn’t that good (again, technique, components, etc.) what I enjoyed so much about it was that he had me hooked on a crazy cycle of highs and lows and used sex to contribute to giving me that high.

Like the only way I can sort of metaphorically compare it is imagine you have two bosses one that’s mean and critical and one that’s super supportive and nice. You are constantly working hard and getting praise from the nice one but harsh and unfair criticisms from the mean one. Then one day you get praise from the mean boss. Hooolyyyy crap that feels good and feels way better than the constant praise you get from the nice boss. Idk maybe a crappy comparison but that’s the best way I can put it haha