How does she cope with dissociation or high levels of stress and/or desire to self harm?

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It depends on the circumstances.

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She's likely to go into a self blame loop and then get weird and withdraw and stop communicating.

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The problem is, I'll end up talking to some loop in her head, rather than the her that can actually grapple with and deal with problems and communication in a useful way. But *I* can't move past this without engaging not that side of her. There's no way. I'm on the verge of needing to trust her with so much important shit in my life. . . We're going to be financially interdependent, I have a child who's with me part time. I know I can't force her to process, but I also can't just sit on this.

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She's back in her home state right now, surrounded by old friends and family who will reinforce old patterns rather than supporting the progress she's made with herself. And I don't know any of them.