You are not alone. You just aren't, despite the trickery that depression and anxiety can play on you, making you feel so isolated, and alone in your thoughts and feelings, you are never alone in your experiences and emotions. One thing that has really helped me is letting go of how you believe you are SUPPOSED to think or feel. You seem to hate a lot of your feelings, and that is completely normal when the feelings are screaming at you to do and feel the opposite of how you want to. However, against every bone in your body telling you different, you have to let go, stop judging your feelings, stop judging your thoughts, feel how you feel, it will go away. Everything is temporary, every situation, every feeling, every thought, every life. There shouldn't be expectations of how you should feel, it almost always makes it worse to become frustrated with your thoughts. It becomes internal warfare between yourself and you, which just leads to mutually ensured destruction. A book that helped me grasp this concept (took me 3-4 reads and a lot of frustration while reading it) is The Power of Now. It really goes in depth into the concept of being present, meaning that now is all you have, all resentment and guilt you torment yourself with is feelings from your past, and all worry and fear you have is merely worry about something that hasn't yet happened, the future. The idea if you can truly stay ever so present in the 'now' there is no reason for sadness/anger/frustration/anxiety. Ask yourself, what is the problem with right now? I mean RIGHT NOW, not tomorrow, not an hour from now, not 10 seconds from now, right now. If you can slowly create gaps in your trapped thinking that leads to feelings of self hatred, fear, shame, guilt...etc and replace it with being absolutely present in the now, you will find a certain level of peace. Knowing that right now is it, that is what we are given. Realizing that everything will pass has been absolutely key for me, knowing that at my lowest of lows, it will pass. Having crazy thoughts? It will pass. Understanding this, coupled with being present in right now, allows you to let go of future fear, and realize that though you know that you will have tough times (I don't mean to downplay it, because I know just how tough they can get), they will pass. At a more practical level, you have to take steps to better yourself, even if you hate doing it, even if you have no positive feeling while doing it, you have to build a routine. Do ONE thing that will better you, no step is too small, I mean that very literally. go for a walk, take a shower, drive somewhere, play a sport, do a puzzle, meditate (highly recommend), do SOMETHING. Slowly you will find comfort in a routine, and you may find that you are creating some gaps in your thinking pattern that allow you to feel 'normal' (The word normal to me has become absolute bliss, I took normal for granted, but now, normal is amazing). It takes time, it takes work, sometimes it takes medication to help bridge the gap (nothing is permanent), therapy, and self love (fuck it sounds so cheesy and so fake, but you have to force yourself, even if you don't believe a word of it, to compliment yourself, be proud of your accomplishments. It is too easy to be consumed by negative thinking, and when that is all you think about all day and all night, it is no wonder why people resort to extreme measures to release themselves, it can be a true living hell).

Man, I wish you the best, I truly do. It breaks my heart to read these seemingly never ending posts and realizing that so many are lost, feel isolated, angry, scared, and sometimes just need to talk. Reach out to people, it doesn't have to be me, or reddit, or your parents, just please talk to someone, lay it all out there. Know that this is YOUR journey (I know, it sucks sometimes haha) but this is what will shape who you become as a person, and I swear it will give you perspective and empathy for others, it can make you a better person.

I am here anytime for you, as are a lot of other people here and out there. Let your thoughts and emotions be just that, temporary feelings that will pass.