This is super long but I've separated it so that it's not a wall of text.

I was physically abused and emotionally abused by my mom, who has bipolar disorder. I have ADHD and social/performance anxiety, both of which also cause interpersonal rifts.

There are lots of things that factor into how affected you are by abuse and how you approach handling the abuse throughout the rest of your life. It manifests itself differently in people. You really have to try to flip your situation to where you take ownership of your past experiences instead of letting them taken ownership of you. This is not easy. Sometimes, this can require a complete restructuring of yourself and facing what has hurt you. It takes practice. You might have to fake it at first. And sometimes there are just things you have to accept about yourself. For example, I have learned that I am not good at reaching out to people to hang out. I just don't do it. Keeping in contact isn't something that happens naturally to me. I have found friends who understand that and don't take it personally, and sometimes I set up reminders on my phone to reach out to people.

I've been in therapy on and off for over a decade. You don't need to be suffering to see a therapist...sometimes you just need an alternative ear. I began with anger management when I was in high school, then I got therapy for OCD when I was in my early 20's. The form of therapy I received was cognitive behavioral therapy, and it is something I thoroughly recommend to anyone who is experiencing negative thoughts or emotions that are hindering their quality of life. It helped me astronomically. Now, I am seeing a therapist 1x a month to just discuss things with her, and she helps me approach problems that are occurring in my life.

For the most part my abuse manifested itself in independence, in needing to control my environment, and in keeping people at a distance. I acted unpredictably as a child with ADHD, and most of the attention I received was negative. My home environment was unpredictable, and I have had to live at other peoples' houses growing up. I look back and I realize that I had a great group of friends but most of my closest relationships were volatile. I'm not really sure what's worse, living your life naively or painfully realizing the faults.

Now, as long as I am in a comfortable environment that I can control - I have very little trouble socializing. If you took me to a party where I knew nobody, that is where I have trouble. Alcohol helped this, but when I quit drinking for a few years I realized that simply just holding a glass in your hand helped. So, a glass with coke works if you're not a drinker. Nobody knows it isn't alcoholic but the bartender.

Choosing friends who understand your quirks, your faults, your distant personality is also important. My younger friendships were kind of crazy. I felt comfortable in chaos, so I chose friends who were filled with it. As an adult woman, I don't like the chaos so I actively began reframing friendships in a healthier light. For me, this meant socializing with people who are more well-grounded. People who were genuinely caring and understanding. For me as an adult, my social abilities are something that I must oil periodically to keep them working well. Sometimes, social anxiety wraps around me for no reason. Sometimes I will buckle from it, and stay home. Sometimes, I go out and I'm fine. Sometimes, I go out and I am not fine. I have what I will call a "social anxiety emergency kit". This kit has conversation topics so that I know that I am prepared. I think that the unpredictability of my approaching social situation is what gets me, and just understanding that and having a backup plan makes things much easier.

Another tool you can use is to have "invisible friends", or people who are literally invisible who stand next to you as emotional support. You might have to fake what comes naturally to most people. That is perfectly fine. Those who are abused have a disconnect as a defense mechanism. It has helped us survive. Once we are safe as adults, we have to re-evaluate our environment to realize that not everything is a threat.