You are not whining and you are not a loser.

I was lying in bed (currently 5AM where I live) when for whatever reason, my brain decided that now is an ample time to think about how truly miserable and depressed I am. So I got up, turned the lights on, and turned on my phone. First thing I did was open reddit and I simply typed “depression” into the search bar. I literally did not even know this was a subreddit. I just wanted to read some posts and know that I wasn’t the only person on this planet who feels lost, confused, sad, angry, and hopeless. Obviously I know I’m not the only person like this, but I never talk to anyone about my problems, because I really don’t want to bother anyone. But I’m starting to learn that I need to in order to get better and understand WHY I am the way that I am. I’m finally taking the first step to fixing myself, and it seems like you are doing the same thing. Jesus, I don’t even know what the fuck I am rambling about anymore. ANYWAYS, I just want to leave you with a few things to consider. I’m too tired to write this coherently in a way my english professor would like, so I’ll just be lazy and use bullet points.

1 - Theres a reason for everything. I don’t mean that in a fate/destiny way, I mean that in a butterfly effect type of way. There is a reason you are the way that you are. I don’t know what is that made you how you are, and it seems like you don’t know either. You need to figure it out in order to get better. I have no idea how to figure this out, so you need to figure out how to figure it out.

2 - It doesn’t matter if you are the president or a janitor. There is no such thing as being a loser. We made it up. It’s bullshit. You are only a “loser” if you allow yourself to think you are loser. You control your brain. It may be a little hard to control at times....trust me I know. But it’s yours. You own it. The only reason people think they are losers is because they are told by everyone and everything all the time everywhere that they are losers. It’s all bullshit. Ignore it. Ignore what society says you SHOULD be. Be what you WANT to be. Why does it matter what you do as long as you’re happy? And that leads me to my final point.

3 - You can find happiness. It is not impossible. I’m sure that you feel like you’ll never get there, but you will one day. I don’t mean for this to be a cliche “light at the end of the tunnel” speech, but that’s exactly what this is because it really is there. That light is there somewhere and I’m going to find it one day. You are going to find it one day. I have hope that with each day that passes by, I get a little closer to it. I feel as though I am getting closer. I’m in a much better place now than I was a few years ago. I was in a very dark place a few years ago. I hated everything and everyone, myself included. But I’m doing better now. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m on my way. And so are you. You said you were institutionalized and suicidal in the past right? Well look at you now! You got your GED and a girlfriend? That’s awesome! I really mean that. So ask yourself this: Am I living in perfect bliss right now? The answer is probably no. But ask yourself this too: am I happier than I was 3-5 years ago? Even if it’s just a small 1% happier? The answer is almost definitely yes. Some people have short tunnels and others have longer ones. I don’t know how long yours is, and I have no idea how long mine is. But I do know this, when you do get to the end, you’ll look back at the start and you’ll be so happy that you kept moving. It’ll all be worth it in the end.

Jesus when I stared writing this it was pitch black out and now the sun is up lol. I’m so tired. I hope this helps you.